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Worse than I imagined..but who cares? I certainly don’t

I have mentioned before many of my detriment, both mental and physical, as well as emotional, which I guess fall under the mental category, but, as I say, wgaf..?

I was treated for the throat cancer 5 years ago, no surgery involving actual throat organs, but do have an 8 inch scar to left side of my neck from lymph node dissection. 32 rounds of radiation therapy which did invisible, and to me personally, unnoticable damage to vocal cords and speaking ability.

i say unnoticeable because it has never been particularly important to me to ve4bslpy communi Cate with people. I’d always just as soon people just left me the f#&* alone, to be honest. I got by and made do. I know, but never cared, that my voice was very quiet, and people had to ask me to speak up a lot, which got kinda annoying, but I never thought to take personal responsibility for it even though it obviously aggravated other people.

Again, I just didn’t give a ….

The desire to socialize has just never been part of my genetic makeup. I always proudly wore the label “eccentric,” preferable and more glamorous, to me at least, than the label “introvert,” which i did, however, begin to adopt later in life. Soooooo

Creep forward five years and I’m noticing the situation has gone from people not being able to hear me to people now not being able to understand me. Because along with whatever invisible damage radiation might have done to my larynx, what with, I guess, fibrosis and all, the radiation also fried my saliva glands, so my mouth is always dry, the cumulative effect being I now sound like a 2yo child babbling and garbled whenever I speak, so instead of constantly being asked to speak up, I am now constantly being asked to repeat myself by friends and family members, and just outright looked at like I am retarded by strangers who know nothing of my history.

Which again, is pretty much fine with me, because I don’t much give a f… about socialization anyway, and it is not really that important to me that people hear and understand me either.

I’d much prefer to be accepted and respected as a sage, and reticent wallflower.

Plus and in addition the radiation has decimated my hearing ability, which dittoflakes, I don’t much care about other than it affects my enjoyment of music, which I compensate with the use of headphones.

Human voices, conversation, and social chitchat I can quite frankly do without.

And for those who do not know anyone who has survived cancer, even five years out and continuing, the effects of radiation treatment still introduce and pronounce as manifestations on a daily basis.

3 thoughts on “Worse than I imagined..but who cares? I certainly don’t”

  1. My brother was in an accident maybe 35 (?) years ago and has permanent damage. It was a head injury which paralyzed 1/2 of his body and since he was in a coma the Tracheotomy did damage to his vocal cord. After recovery he had to learn to speak again and has since finished getting his degree but he is somewhat like you. The vocal cord damage makes his voice deep and low and with half his body behind paralyzed his speech his slow. So people look at him the same way…as if maybe he mentally isn’t all there when in fact he is very intelligent and can carry on a great debate on any topic. There are times he does gets aggravated with people…..but he has a few friends who are patient and enjoy his conversations.

    I was signed up for a sign language class before this Covid hit…..but may just take it online. it is something I have always wanted to learn. Maybe it is something you should look into. Not many people actually know how to use it…but it would give you a way to communicate should you also lose your hearing.
    They also have options for that too. My Aunt lost her hearing years ago and was one of the first patients to get Cochlear Implant. It’s amazing the things that are available these days. Its an implant in the skull….and they have a magnetic attachment that goes behind the ear that allows people to hear. So she can take off the attachment when she sleeps and just needs to change batteries.

    1. I have been taking ASL off and on, for years, but even that, now that I have also lost the use of left arm/hand due to stroke, is futile. As I said, it’s not really that important to me because my mind races so fast inn a continuous basis that neither my voice, nor my hands can even begin to keep up, so I still seem like I am off the chain. Told ya before, I’m a “hot mess.” I much prefer writing, but you cannot have a conversation online via typing, especially when one party only has access to one hand/one finger. But writing is my outlet, and is one of the only things in life I am halfway good at. It gives me great satisraction.

      1. My brother loves to write too. But he uses pen and paper.
        He is always journaling and mailing letters.
        He has a few neighbors in his building who will meet him to discuss different topics.
        His education is in the Mental Health field so he loves to discuss those topics with people.
        Anyhow….its good you have an outlet to raise Caine 😉

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