Welcome to my brain dump

You might have noticed my name is a little generic, which serves a purpose. It gives me the bravery of anonymity. I need a space to be honest, open and not hide myself. The lady few years I’ve become increasingly aware that I have reached the point of caring more about other people’s opinions than I do living to be true to myself. I’ve gone from being a fearless girl who wasn’t afraid to rock the boat and dance to my own drumbeat to a fearful adult who places far too much worth on the opinions and feeling of others. This has led to me feeling suffocated and desperately unhappy with the life I’ve built for myself. I’m ashamed at how I’ve failed the wild spirit I was born.

So I’m starting small. With trembling bones I’m going to stand and teach myself to be wild once again. Maybe by starting like this I can find the courage to live for myself again. So….. Without further ado – welcome to my head. Maybe with some company I won’t be quite so afraid of it anymore.

I’m just shy of 26, I live in a small town, I belong to a very conservative faith, a closeted bisexual, and for the last few years have been romantically entangled with a woman who is also my best friend…

I grew up with a younger brother with significant learning disabilities. I was molested off and on from the ages of 7-13 by my dad’s best friend. None of which did I remember until I was just shy of 18. I then spent the next 5 years protecting my abusor by refusing to tell my parents in spite of multiple pleas from a close friend who I had confided in about the events. I refused to tell my parents about it until almost a year after his death. I’m not telling you this because I want pity, I’m telling you this so maybe some of my decisions and thinking will make more sense to you. In many ways, much to my parent’s dismay I was robbed of my childhood. Both my abuse and being raised with my brother shaped significant growth periods in my life, and very possibly my insecurities that I hold close to my heart and affect my decision making choices are directly effected by these circumstances.

The woman I am entangled with started out as a work colleague, grew into a friendship, and then morphed into a friends with benefits situation. I love her dearly, she is my best friend, and while she comes with all of her own crap, has helped me through a lot. The problem is that I don’t actually want to be with her romantically. I know she isn’t the person who I want to be with, and I hate that I feel I have to lie and hide it from a lot of the most important people in my life. I know if people in my church found out it wouldn’t go well. My parents would be unhappy and disappointed, but would probably deal with it. And my grandparents, my darling grandparents whom I love with childlike vigor, would disown me. If I wanted to be with her, I would face the consequences, and find my own tribe and definition of family as one does when their traditional family abandons them, but I have no desire to raise kids, or build a life with her as my partner. I desperately wish I could rewind time and not cross that line. Because she has fallen in love with me, and I somehow feel obligated to take care of her. However, I feel trapped and want out, but I’m scared to lose my main relationship. I love her, she was my first and has been a huge part of my foray into adulthood. The biggest problem is that there is a boy…

He is sweet and kind and steady and he wants a relationship with me. He has seen my unstable, insecure self, and he still wants to pull me close and patiently wait for me to let him in. But he lives over 14 hours away. I’m terrified of what would happen. It would be so much change, but I’m also desperate for change. I am unhappy with the life I’ve built and the only way to change my life is to change my habits. I cannot build a new life, a different life on old habits. I feel unsatisfied in every aspect of my life. Adulthood has grossly been a disappointment for me.

How do you achieve the change that you desperately crave, while simultaneously being terrified of change?

2 thoughts on “Welcome to my brain dump”

  1. Well done. Getting it out there, out of you, is a good first step!
    As for change? Well, everything changes. Every day has similarities to the previous one but it’s never the exact same. The only thing that’s guaranteed in life is that everything will change.

  2. you are very brave and wonderful. how do we change? well we stand outside and let the sun warm our face and wind fan our hair. we follow that internal compass that points directly to our center.

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