I’ve been thinking a lot recently. I was sitting in the parking lot of a store and I was thinking about how things are different now. But something is different in a good way.
I hit rock bottom, or a version of it. Mentally, it’s probably one of the worst times I’ve had. Just . . . not where I wanted to be, you know? 26 and heading towards 27, living with my parents, not knowing where the next step is.
Then, as I was sitting there, I realized what it is that you truly gave me. Hope, yes. We both knew that.
But it wasn’t until I was tested that I realized how much this is part of me now. I hated his choice because it went against my moral code; my moral code that you helped put words to. I want to help people and I don’t want to hurt people. But more than that . . . I don’t want to live in a world where it is an eye for an eye, guilty until proven innocent. I want to live in a world where hurt people learn from their pain and grow past it, and don’t hurt others because they have gained empathy out of their pain. They don’t want to hurt others because they know how it is to be hurt. But they will stand up for themselves and for others, because they also know that some pain is part of life . . . but they aren’t out to cause unnecessary pain.
I did what you did, for someone else. I wrote an email to them, asking them, “what do you want? Who do you want to be?” trying to make them think about their actions. I reminded them of who they had been, and who I saw them to be if they tried.
Because this matters to me to a degree that I didn’t realize. And now I know how hard it was to see me making the same mistakes over and over – trust me, I still haven’t learned. But now I understand more about why I did what I did and I hope I can change.
I believe that people can change, they can make decisions that are different from their decisions in the past. I believe other people can do the same. The key is wanting to change. Wanting to be better.
It’s been bad recently. But I think I am on the right track. I still am stuck in the past way more than I would like, there’s still things that bother me, there’s still some loose ends I need to fix. But I really do think I am on the right track finally.
I think of you and I think this:
You put words to the passion that will drive me forever.