To change who I am

I hate myself for being so caring. I hate how a person can hurt me beyond repair and somehow I could never hurt them back. I could never stay mad at anyone. I have a big heart and a lot of times I wish I didn’t. I have so much love for everyone and it’s such a disgrace to be so loving just to be mistreated and unappreciated. I hate how I can’t sleep at night because I’m worrying about people that never even think of me or remember me. I worry about everyone and I love everyone. Every minute of every single day I constantly think of the people that have hurt me and I just can’t seem to let it go. I can’t seem to hate them the way that they hate me. I can’t hurt them the way that they hurt me. I don’t wish to seek any sort of revenge, and I don’t wish bad upon anyone.Sometimes I like being nice to people and I like being a good person but I get tired of picking up the pieces once they have managed to break me. I don’t want to pick up after the pieces anymore. I don’t want to lose sleep over anyone anymore. I don’t want to hurt over people that don’t care about me. I hate being unappreciated and I hate the fact that I can’t stop giving people chances only to be disappointed in the end. I’m sick and tired of being a door mat and always being the one to blame for every slight inconvenience. I don’t want this immense heart that has so many emotions and so much love to hold. At times I believe that being heartless is better because there’s no pain. There’s no suffering. There’s nothing to feel. there’s nothing to say and there’s nothing to be afraid of. They say it’s a blessing to be this way. To be so caring and to be so kind and for it to come naturally. But in all honesty it’s painful. It’s beautiful but it’s also pretty dark and torturing. Why am I like this? Why do I give people chances after they show their true colors. Why do I care so much? Why am I always the one to get hurt? I don’t get it. I hate it so much. I hate being the sensitive one and I hate being merciful. I try to change but I can’t. I can’t change the heart that God gave me and I can’t change the way that I feel about anyone. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t want to keep losing the people that I love. I try to hate and I try to be cruel as they are and it never works. It’s who I am to be so caring and it’s who I am to be so compassionate and loving with everyone. I can’t hurt anyone and I don’t want to. I care so much and it kills me because nobody else cares. I have my own heart and everyone else has their own which is not the same. I just want to be loved and appreciated. I want to be held when I feel alone and I want to loved. Is it too much to ask?

2 thoughts on “To change who I am”

  1. In a world where most are in need and asking for love, who will do the loving? The ones who were born with the ability to be forgiving and kind. You could be one of those rare ones.

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