I think the biggest problem for the long-term is one problem I have never have faced.
That is the quiet. The lack of noise and distractions in my life. More importantly in my mind.
I have had to face in the past for short periods of time. But I manage to find something to make some noise again so I no longer have to face it. Using them up as much as I can to keep the noise going. The simple reason being the quiet terrifies me.
What is it about the quiet that terrifies me. Well one thing is the judgments that come with the quiet. I thought other people judging me where bad, nothing compared to the judgments that come when it is quiet.
Those judgments are worse than the judgments from other people in that I cannot deny them. They come from what I believe to be right. I have to face the reality that to myself I am a terrible person. A person that often does things that she considers wrong.
The question is being a terrible person like that is really all that bad. Before I go on I should remind myself that I am not trying to justify what I have done.
I hate times like this in that my train of thought is interrupted while writing the blog. It is hard to pick up where I was going with my writing before the interruption. So if the rest of this blog seems disjointed that is why. Just going to pick some train of thought and finished this post.
Maybe put a more realistic spin on the judgments of myself. After all no matter how good I did to follow what I thought I was right, there would be times I would do wrong. When my choices are limited to that because I cannot control everything. If I could I would be a God and I wouldn’t be sitting here writing a blog post. Instead I would be preparing for the rapture and the sudden influx that would come with it. So is it not harsh to judge myself when I had all bad choices?
Something for me think about here. I am going to get off this train of thought. Just doesn’t seem the same as the train I had before the interruption. For one thing the mood of the train is not the same. Too cheerful for my taste.