IT GETS BETTER

It would be unjust to say that things are fine. Because they haven’t been fine in a very long time. When I reconsider the prolonged series of macabre days, I had been experiencing in my life for quite a while, the past week wasn’t the most horrific. Things definitely could be a lot better, I mean, they should at least.

Recently life had brought me to such a no parking zone that there seemed to be no possible stops for timely rests. For every road I covered, I was eventually encompassed by a U turn.

Every single day, I woke up with a hope that it shall get better. Some days are yet better than the rest but then again, life meets another round about and every new road offers new bottle necks.

However, the past week made me realize that sometimes you have to complete the entire journey, and certain roads are meant to be taken. Yes, you might end up taking long routes instead of short due to lack of spontaneous decision making, but in the long run it doesn’t matter enough.

So, I guess you ultimately have to reach your destination, go through the jumps and bumps, land into puddles, get stuck in the traffic jam, all of this is beyond your control and you really have no hold over how the path might be. Although, all you need to do at times, is to change the music you’re listening to. You might want to try something off your juke box.

The journey isnt that bad. Cause somedays it does get better. And one should never lose hope because eventually it will become better untill it becomes the best.

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Cherished Ones

To the precious ones of whom my heart so cherishes. How I yearn to be counted as one you behold as priceless, and purely loved without shadow of turning, unconsumed by expectations laid out by ideas that have accompanied, during the journey thus far. As those whose input influence the outlook of your perception, to your inner thoughts adding perspectives, yielding your ever changing views, or opinions, of how things are, or ought to appear. Appearance is only the cover for that present moment. Yet ever so much more than before does the saying, “don’t judge a book by its cover”, ring so true. To my understanding, each one has with it a deeply intricate, inner woven web, so complex, each detail minutely make up the depth of the individual to the very core. Why ourselves within or on the outside looking in are unaware of the true rhyme or reason for the path, paths, trials, swamps, cliffs, or slopes…..one continues on, repeatedly, or just stranded, and stagnat. Whatever, or whichever it may be, this journey a lesson for some, to gain. If I could be brave, my eyes will be wide open, seeking out the truth, to behold for the next step….the desire to be right within, as well as without, wishing only to capture that which is to gain,  along with it comes ideas, expectations, approval, disapproval, of those who Ive deemed worthy to decide weather Im on it! (sort of speak), or missing the mark…..

How so, are we to remain whole within as to continue endeavoring on undivided by the placement of whats what? At the same, discovering the real, of the whom and the why of my existance, without the essence of being, becoming displaced by scattered means to which is preference given to trudge true. When in the midst at a crossroad here lies a choice looking back at these will cause a cringe, dismissal, or hopefully serenity. Either way its a wrap, no re~dos. I being my own most hard taskmaster can spend time in this realm with regrets and perhaps self loathing but to no fruition.

How can one balance the push and the pull we have packed thus far? Which to consider? The weight at times and for some can be too much to bear, Then in lies   collapse……why bother, throw in the towel! I must heed to the know the task each one carries, being of such precise detail to every nook and cranny, of what makes up each and every most perfectly, intricate, deeply, passionate, unique individual, person, & soul. All wrapped up seemingly so ordinary, and simple, just another of many. Yet oh so not simplistic, no, no, actually an entire eco system. A world with its custom agenda, unlike any other, functioning, or malfunctioning, according to whom it may concern, to continue on in however our season is playing out at present, for the moment.

We are extravagant, acutely amazing human beings, we are each making up a part of the whole, of this universe, with more to ourselves than comprehensible, a state of unknowingkst……A place, yet recognized of, awe….struck…….

Written by, Dove

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Spencer

Spencer

When I met Spence, I was, undeniably, in the worst place in my life – toxic, emotionally abusive, long term relationship with a very selfish man child.

As well as self-harming, drinking to block out the emotional pain, and oh so very depressed.

It’s only now I can see just how bad of a place I was in, it’s quite frightening actually.

Spencer, however, was quite literally my knight in shining armour. Saved me from myself, and while I can’t give him full credit for my newly found life changing motivation for self-improvement, I don’t know where I would be without his support.

Spencer is a married, middle aged, ex semi-pro footballer, with a wonderful caring nature, and a masters degree in manipulation. We clicked immediately, with a comforting sense of familiarity.

Over the years and after my journey back from the dark side our friendship has grown closer, more intense. I thought it was normal to be close to someone who you click so well with.

I noticed the butterflies in my stomach when he greeted me, the excitement and the fanny flutters (Oh, come on, we all know what they are!) but I pushed it aside, knowing it’s wrong, and quite frankly assuming he didn’t feel the same. I was wrong, I wasn’t the only one feeling the intensity of our connection.

Our relationship is built on a solid friendship foundation, and a lot of love. It’s a beautiful trauma, a complex ball of raw emotions and confusion.

The love I feel for Spence is unlike anything I have ever felt before…..

But, enough with the mushy stuff, love isn’t a bed of roses, love is pain, love is acceptance of the other – whatever that may be.

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

You cannot control your feelings, you cannot control who you love, but you can control your actions, and that is exactly what we try and do. I can appreciate the subject of affairs with married partners is a touchy one but I blog to be honest, not everyone knows the insights to what looks like the perfect marriage.

Spencer’s marriage to the outside world, even to me, looks like the stuff dreams are made of…. I’ve learnt that not everything is always as it seems, and that people love to put a on a mask.

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One mistake at a time…


Single, Thirty-Nothing, London Based, Dynamic Girl…. Who makes quite possibly the worst decisions in life, falls for the wrong guys and is spectacular at royally fucking up – One mistake at a time!

There are two men in my life, they are good guys, neither know what they want relationship wise, and so begins ‘The Game….’ – Yeah, I should walk away, but that would be the easy option – one I rarely take, and then complain about life being unfair (Ha!) You’ll probably come to hear a lot about these wonderfully irritating pains in my ass.

The rest of my time is taken up with work – in the process of a creative career change! Art – I love to draw, Food – I love a good menu 😉

I basically spend a lot of time trying to be fit & healthy……. I’ll hit the gym, or go for a run, vow to only eat freshly cooked healthy meals & quit alcohol…… by the time the weekend rolls around, you can almost certainly find me on my sofa in my sweatpants, drinking wine, ordering Chinese takeaway and binge watching some tragic American high school based series on Netflix telling myself ‘I’ll get up early and hit the gym’ only to wake up at 9,30am with zero intention of exerting myself 😀

Here’s a few things about me that I don’t always like to admit;

  • I’m the worlds worst worrier – can almost guarantee I am already reacting to something that probably won’t happen.
  • I make questionable life choices – try not to judge! I am the queen of bad decisions!
  • Little things can irritate the shit out of me – there will be rants!
  • I procrastinate way too much – Seriously, it’s a miracle anything gets done, it’s taken me at least 4 hours to create and write this blog.
  • I love and care too deeply for the wrong people – I’m working on it 😉
  • If it’s bad for me, you can be sure I will want it – Men, food, wine!
  • My friends would describe me as loyal, generous, no where near as innocent as I look – and feisty. I might be short but I will stand up for myself – even though I’m a pushover!

Overall life is quite comical. If you like having a laugh, join me in trying to figure this all out!

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More than the Caribbean: First vision was God’s Creation We serve an imaginative and creative God!

Every great and transforming movement in the world’s history was essentially a movement of the Spoken Word.

Jesus and Socrates did not write books although becoming a writer is an awesome profession and one that I am currently working on!

See my previous article on methods for creative writing: Come Experience the Journey with Me: Writing

Apparently, according to my research, there must have been multiple proclamations that were made to announce and record all of Christ’s amazing miracles and teachings.

The greatest fulfillment of prophecy took place when Christ descended from the heavenlies and was born in Bethlehem.

Speaking of Birth, let’s talk about the birth of a beautiful Nation called Jamaica that celebrates their Independence Day in the month of August.

In February 1962, a new Constitution was approved by the Legislature and the Premier Norman Manley called General Elections.

Alexander Bustamante was elected in April and became the first Prime Minister of Jamaica. On August 6, 1962, Jamaica then became an Independent Nation and a member of the British Commonwealth.

This meant that now that Jamaica was an Independent Nation; Britain no longer controlled the affairs of the country. It was now the responsibility of the newly elected Prime Minister and the locally elected Cabinet.

Independence also meant that a Constitution, symbols, emblems, an army, a Jamaican Currency and passports had to be developed for the country. Wow! Talk about a lot of work!

Now as an Independent Nation, Jamaica now assigns Ambassadors overseas who represent the country.

They sign treaties on behalf of Jamaica and become members of various international organizations. This is important, as it gives Jamaica equal rights on various issues relating to international trade, policies and treaties.

Every year on August 6, (previously it was the first Monday in August), Jamaicans celebrate the removal of their dependence on Britain and Britain’s right to control specific functions of the country.

During this time, they will also honor all those persons who were responsible for the transfer of power.

I was also pleased to discover that in October, during their National Heritage Week (third Monday in October), they will also honor their six National Heroes and one Heroine (7 total), in recognition of their contribution to the birth of the Blessed nation called Jamaica.

Research and Publication

The Research and Publications Department has improved the capacity of the Agency to research, produce and update a range of publications that can inform the public in Jamaica and overseas about the policies, programs and institutions of the Government.
See the following link for more information:

https://jis.gov.jm/corporate/research/

So, let’s get back to God’s Creation; in the book of John, Chapter 1, verses 1- 5 it says,

1    “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

2     He was with God in the beginning.

3    Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made.

4    In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.

5    The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Then in verse 14 it continues,

14    The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Can you imagine what that must be like? Can you imagine the Coming of the Kingdom of God?

In the book of Luke, Chapter 17, verses 20-24 it states,

20    Once, on being asked by the Pharisees when the Kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied,

“The coming of the Kingdom of God is not something that can be observed,

21    Nor will people say, ‘Here it is’ or ‘There it is’ because the Kingdom of God is in your midst.”

22    Then he said to his disciples, “The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it.

23    People will tell you, ‘There he is!’ or ‘Here He is!’ Do not go running off after them.

24    For the Son of Man in His day will be like the lightening, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other.

God created light by His word, therefore we can confidently testify that there is creative power associated with speech.

Do you remember in the book of Genesis how God created man with the force of breath and words? We do indeed serve an imaginative and creative God.

I truly believe that in this modern society in which we coexist, the Holy Spirit will always supply us with direction, guidance and knowledge to carry out His will.

When God speaks, He creates something from nothing. He not only creates, He forms and He transforms!

Remember His first creation of life and beauty was demonstrated in the creation of the world. He then made Adam and Eve (See my previous article, It’s all about Eve, Her Lover and Her Lord for more creative teachings) and placed them in the Garden of Eden.

Between creation and formation, the Lord gives us the option to either accept or reject His Redemptive Plan.

When the Bible said in Romans 8:29 that we are “to be conformed to the image of His Son”, it meant that we are to be fashioned or shaped into the Lord’s likeness.

Everyone of us has a unique personality- each with its own disposition, nature and temperament. I believe that within each person is a constant flow of fresh creativity. See my previous article, Hello…Do what you love. Creat8! Always Creat10.

I believe that when God calls a person to His service, He gives them a unique ministry. Unfortunately, some people find that difficult to understand. Many evangelist and preachers have stood before their mirrors and tried desperately to look, dress, speak and even behave like someone else.

They would go to great lengths to study and imitate that person’s habits, vocal modulation and even their nervous gestures. But how many of you know that God has not called you to be someone else? He has called you to be you! Just like how He has called me to be me.

Flaws and all!

If we’re not careful these types of obsessive behaviors can lead to a form of idol worship. See my previous article: Lucy

As Caribbean individuals we each represent a kaleidoscope of personalities, shapes, colors and unique names.

But my question to you is, whose image do you represent?

Celebrating 5 in 1 with Cayman’s Constitution

It has been nine years since the Cayman Islands voted to adopt their modernized constitution. After an extensive period of discussion and negotiations, and the fist local Referendum, the new Cayman Islands Constitution was approved by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II Privy Council on June 10, 2009 and came into force on November 6, 2009.

So, what’s in the Constitution you may ask?

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE CAYMAN ISLANDS

The people of the Cayman Islands, recalling the events that have shaped their history and made them what they are, and acknowledging their distinct history, culture and Christian heritage and its enduring influence and contribution in shaping the spiritual, moral and social values that have guided their development and brought peace, prosperity and stability to those islands, through the vision, forbearance, and leadership of their people, who are loyal to Her Majesty the Queen;
Affirm their intention to be—

• A God-fearing country based on traditional Christian values, tolerant of other religions and beliefs.

• A country with open, responsible and accountable government, that includes a working partnership with the private sector and continuing beneficial ties with the United Kingdom.

• A country in which religion finds its expression in moral living and social justice.

• A caring community based on mutual respect for all individuals and their basic human rights.

• A country committed to the democratic values of human dignity, equality and freedom.

• A community that practices honest and open dialogue to ensure mutual understanding and social harmony.

• A safe, secure and law-abiding community.

• A country that is free from crime and drug abuse.

• A country with an education system that identifies and develops on a continuing basis the abilities of each person, allowing them to reach their full potential and productivity.

• A community that encourages and prepares young people to assume leadership roles.

• A country that provides a comprehensive healthcare system.

• A community protective of traditional Caymanian heritage and the family unit.

• A country that honors the sacrifice of its seafaring men who left the shores of the Islands to enhance the quality of life of their people, and in doing so established themselves amongst the finest within the global maritime community of that time and through their remittances, endeavors and experiences built the foundations of the Cayman Islands’ modern economy.

• A country that honors and acknowledges the important contribution of Caymanian women who during the absence of the seafaring men of the Islands managed the affairs of their homes, businesses and communities and passed on the values and traditions of the Islands’ people.

• A country with a vibrant diversified economy, which provides full employment.

• A country that makes optimal use of modern technology.

• A country that manages growth and maintains prosperity, while protecting its social and natural environment.

• A country that respects, protects and defends its environment and natural resources as the basis of its existence.

• A country that fosters the highest standards of integrity in the dealings of the private and public sectors.

• A country with an immigration system that protects Caymanians, gives security to long-term residents and welcomes legitimate visitors and workers.

• A country that plays its full part in the region and in the international community.
Now, therefore, the following provisions shall have effect as the Constitution of the Cayman Islands.

For more information on the Cayman Islands existing laws, Constitution and Bill of Rights, Freedoms and Responsibility, visit: www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2009/1379/contents/made

 

Even though Monday’s (July 2nd 2018) Constitution Day is uniquely Caymanian, in such a multi-cultural territory as ours- were residents hail from all over the world- our holiday coincides very closely with many other countries like America’s Independence Day, Canada Day, St. Maarten Emancipation and Bahamas Independence Day.

One of the leading members of American history, Benjamin Franklin who was also an author and scientist, inventor and diplomat was deeply active in public affairs.

Apparently, he had little formal education and he still managed to start a successful printing business in Philadelphia and grew wealthy. He helped launch a lending library, hospital and college, and garnered acclaim for his experiments with electricity, among other projects.

During the American Revolution, he served in the Second Continental Congress and helped draft the Declaration of Independence in 1776. From 1776 until the present day, July 4th has been celebrated as the birth of American independence!

Another wonderful place to explore and know about is Canada.

Canada’s national holiday is celebrated on July 1. If it falls on a Sunday, it is moved to July 2, except in Nova Scotia and in Newfoundland and Labrador. All provincial governments observe this day. Many organizations, businesses and stores are closed, although some book stores, pharmacies and gas stations may be open. Post offices are closed. As Canada Day falls in the Canadian summer holiday period, all schools are closed.

Canadians across the country and around the world show their pride in their history, culture and achievements. It’s been a day of celebration, where many festivities are held across the country, since 1868.

Also, each year, through the Canada Day Challenge, young people aged 8 to 18 are invited to express their creativity through arts on what Canada means to them.

On July 1, 1867, Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain and a federation of four provinces: Nova Scotia; New Brunswick; Ontario; and Quebec. The anniversary of this date was called Dominion Day until 1982. Since 1983, July 1 has been officially known as Canada Day.

Now right here within the beautiful Caribbean Sea we can explore the lovely Island of St. Maarten.

St. Maarten Emancipation Day is annually observed on July 1. This holiday celebrates the day, when the Netherlands abolished slavery on the island in 1863.

The island of St Maarten is administered by France (the major part) and the Netherlands.
Here’s a little history; the first border on the island was set by the Treaty of Concorida in 1648, however, during the next two centuries the border was changed sixteen times.

St Maarten was a good place for cultivation of cotton, tobacco and sugar cane, that led to the lack of working labor and the beginning of the era of slavery.
France and the Netherlands imported a massive number of slaves to work on the plantations.

Slaves were subjected to cruel treatment, that is why they often staged rebellions. Due to the overwhelming number of the slaves, the rebellions were impossible to ignore. France abolished slavery on its part of the island in 1848. The Dutch followed the suit 15 years later and abolishment took place on July 1, 1863.

Abolishment of slavery is a very important event in the history of St Maarten.
Celebration of Emancipation Day usually begins with a church service, followed by the ceremony of wreath laying to the monuments of the fighters for freedom.

Let’s not forget the fabulous countries of the Bahamas. It is officially called the Commonwealth of the Bahamas and consist of more than 700 islands. Wow!

Bahamas Independence Day is on the 10th July. This holiday commemorates the day when The Bahamas became an independent Commonwealth realm in 1973, retaining the British Monarch, then and currently Queen Elizabeth II, as its Head Of State.

The Bahamas is one of the richest countries in the Americas (following the United States and Canada), with an economy based on Tourism and Finance.

For more information visit: https://www.bahamas.com/event/bahamas-independence-day-holiday

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Midnight Musings: Taming the Beast

 

It can be difficult when you feel old habits creeping up on you. An old version of yourself that’s slowly fading to the recesses of your consciousness, kicking and screaming that it’s time to shine has come to an end. A new era has begun, an era of rational thinking, regardless of the emotional backup that somehow manages to pop my lid more often than not, and with noone in particular being the trigger. Everyone and anyone can be a victim to my rage.

Repression is a bitch. Go enough years holding shit in, you’re bound to explode eventually and sadly is usually on the last person who’s to blame. In fact, the person who triggers those episodes are usually the people that sincerely have my best wishes at heart. Usually my family, or my boyfriend. Of late, it’s mostly the boyfriend who catches the brunt of my mood swings, poor thing. It’s like this evil demon in my chest that breaks loose every time it finds the chance, usually just after I’ve woken up. What makes it even more frustrating is that those other moments where I wake up without the demon….I’m on the polar opposite end of the spectrum… bouncy, chipper, and I’ll talk about whatever comes to my mind. To the point where even other morning people are like, WOAH slow down tiger. That’s putting it nicely… my boyfriend and my brother take a similar approach that is, nodding and “mhmm”-ing. Which is kind of fucked up because I know there are moments that they want to tell me to shut the hell up…too much too early… but they don’t say it because my obnoxious bubbliness is usually better than the alternative.

From my side, it’s gotten to the point that when I go to sleep at night, it’s a coin toss what mood I’ll wake up in, in the morning. I could have the best night ever, but then something happens in my sleep and it could be a foul morning if something is said at the wrong time. Shit, I’ve snapped because there’s no milk for my morning coffee….Do I have a problem? Maybe… But I can at least say that I’ve acknowledged that there’s an issue. Now it’s reforming my method of expression. Because I’m not naive enough to believe that I’ll change. I’ve always been a landmine in the morning. Even if I wake up chipper, the wrong thing at the wrong time can change that mood in a heartbeat.

Maybe it’s because I feel that I’ve taken a lot of shit from a lot of people, including those in my close circle. Now I’m at a point where I can’t take shit from anyone… I won’t have it. And sometimes I’m a little ULTRA sensitive and loose with the interpretation of the “shit” people have been giving me lately. Small things, like really small things….NOTHING really can be enough to make me want to hit something. That’s when I usually write, draw, or just go out for a walk to clear my mind because the noise in my head (not like coo-coo noise, just thoughts) is too loud to get any of it to translate onto paper via pen, pencil, keyboard, what have you.

I’m trying to tame my beasts. I really am. And those who know me, who really know me…..know not to judge me in those moments… my brother just laughs now. Which pisses me off in the moment…but I’ll eventually start laughing myself when it hits me how incredibly childish I’m being. Then everything is ok. We all have our issues. We all have our weak moments, some last a second, some last a lifetime. The beauty is finding people who love you and who cherish you regardless of your “flaws,” and the ones who stick around are the ones who really matter.  

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Unveiled mask?

Hello! It’s been a long time since I last posted. Thanks to those who’ve been reading the blog, leaving comments, and sending messages. And thanks to those who are reading this ?

I am writing this as a confession, not only to myself but to those around me and to those that decide to take the time to read this.

If you decide to read this, that ultimately means that you care in some way or another in order to click the link in the first place, so thank you for that.

I have always been fond of writing, whether or not I have been very good at it is a different story, but nonetheless it is something that is incredibly important to me. As you are reading this you are probably wondering what this is all about and why you have read utter nothingness up to this point, so I will get on with what I want to write.

For those of you who know me, you will probably have met me through school, through work or just through social media. Chances are you will know me as a relatively energetic person with, what I’d like to think as a decent sense of humour, a passion for shoes(fashion sense also) and music. However, those of you closer to me will know that I am a very sensitive person. Alternatively you might not know me, or may know of me, or we just know each other through some other means.

Essentially what I want to admit and confess is that, Depression and anxiety have been kicking my ass lately. Anxiety especially. It’s funny, in a way: generally, I feel like I can control my anxiety pretty well, but when it gets bad, I become quite aware that my anxiety controls me. I sometimes wake up anxious. As soon as my eyes are open, the anxiety sets in. My mind starts going a million miles a minute trying to worry about every little detail of every little thing. On occasion, my anxiety wakes me up in the middle of the night. It’s exhausting. I think that makes the mental illness harder to combat – sometimes you’re just too tired to fight.

Panic attacks have been a frequent friend over the past few months. The heart palpitations are always disconcerting, no matter how often I experience them. The palpitations aren’t a medical concern for me, but when my heart is thumping away like that, I can’t help but take notice. My poor heart works so hard for me; I don’t think I treat it well enough.

I’ve begun the process of seeking treatment. Meds and therapy again, probably. It’s slow going (partially because it’s a struggle for me to get anything done and partially because the health system can be slow if you’re not dying on their doorstep (I’m not complaining though; I might actually be dead if it weren’t for socialized medicine). I’m not exactly jumping up and down at the prospect of treatment, but medication and therapy were a big help to me in the past, so I’m fine with trying again. Really, I probably shouldn’t have been off meds or out of therapy in the first place, but I wanted to try going without, and I was fine for a while. My brain caught up with me, is all!

This is something I never thought I would say to people, neither is it something I have ever wanted to say to people. With a person filled up with as much feminine pride as you can fit into a female’s 5″3 frame, It embarrasses me to admit it. I also understand that what I have just said doesn’t bother many of you very much, and might actually make you say, “yeah so what? we all have problems” and will not hit you emotionally in anyway whatsoever. But I want to change that.

Why am I admitting this in a blog for anyone to read?

Within my experience of depression up to now, I understand that there is stigma attached to it, that doesn’t alert people like other illnesses would. If I wrote that I thought about suicide at least once a day. If I told you that I hated the person I am, how I look, the way I speak. If I wrote that I genuinely believe at times that my life is worthless, then you might take that more seriously. Depression involves all of these things and more, Depression is an illness just like Drug addiction, alcoholism, excessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, anorexia, bulimia and all other mental health issues you can think of. It is not just an adjective to use when you feel sad because your phone screen has broken, or because you have ran out of green top milk.

That is just part of the stigma which I have found so far. Telling people is one thing, but them understanding what you have told them is completely another thing.

The other part of the stigma is after considering that perhaps you have a mental health issue, accepting it, is actually finding the heart to go and tell somebody, and is trying to get over the embarrassment and shame that comes with admitting that you are being affected by a mental health issue.

The stigma really does exist; admitting that I am depressed is like admitting that I am weak, that I am not the macho alpha female I am supposed to be(And subconsciously trying to be). The embarrassment is something that I can’t shake, however what I can do is to try and raise awareness so that it might help others feel that they can speak up, and to also give people who have friends in need the insight and courage to not shy away from the situations they are faced with, to stand up and be counted, like friends and family should do.

The reason I am writing this is because, despite the embarrassment, it is necessary for me to admit and confess this but also so I can try and begin to make a difference for others and for myself again, and look forward and up instead of backwards and down.

In the meantime, I try to keep myself occupied – read, listen to music…whatever distracts me for a little while. I’m taking things day by day. Today is a little better than yesterday. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better than today. I can hope at least!

Hopefully you are having a good day ❤

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To Be Human

Being human can be scary. It’s not as simple as it is with animals, where everyone has a role in the pride of lions, or in the flock of birds. Being human, there’s a whole lot of grey area between the black and white that’s so easy to get caught up in. As we grow we find our way, in a manner, we try to keep our heads above water in the vast open ocean that is life. But then what happens when everything you’ve ever known becomes just a small piece of an even bigger picture? Things that seemed so important, things that held merit in your life, all of a sudden seem silly and suddenly insignificant. Priorities change, other things become important, you grow, you keep going, life goes on. The only constant thing in life is change, at any moment, in the blink of an eye everything can switch up on you.  It’s a matter of examining what you have left to work with, what your options are, and figuring out the next move. It’s not a race, finding your pace is a part of it, until you find that something that fits.

Life is like a 5000 piece puzzle, so many options, so many places to start. What I’ve always loved about puzzles is that there are so many ways to go about piecing it together. There’s no right or wrong place to start. Most begin by building the borders, and then slowly piece together until we reach the middle and ultimately complete the puzzle. The bitch about most 5000 piece puzzles, but also the beauty of it, is that there are so many minute details, so many pieces look alike with one another, yet there are differences, they have a place if you look hard enough. Some people will get frustrated and move onto another section of the puzzle, others will ask for help, then there are those who sadly give up all together.

“Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it – that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing – an actor, a writer – I am a person who does things – I write, I act – and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.” – Stephen Fry

I remember when I was little, how often I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never had something standard, one dream. I wanted to be everything, everyday something different. The only thing that remained a constant my entire life was this need to write that I have, in whatever way, shape, or form that I can. To this day, I don’t know what I want to be. I used to envy friends and acquaintances who seemed to have it all together, they always knew what they wanted to be, and they became it. But let’s say they achieved their goals at 30-35….that’s not even half the puzzle completed, it can’t be. So what’s the next piece in the puzzle, where do you go from there? Your an Actor now….now what? Or are you a person that acts…and possibly so much more? Sure there is a sense of security that comes along with achieving your dream, as long as that’s not all there is. Some people strive their whole lives for something, and then when they achieve it, then it’s like…what next? Some get stuck, some move onto the next item on their bucket-list. The latter is ideal, I’ve seen the former eat away at people that I cared about, and people I only knew for a moment. It’s all about finding the next piece to the puzzle. When working with actual 5000pc puzzles, you complete one section, and then realize theres another 3000 pieces, a third of which look alike, just remember…DON’T PANIC. You have to sift through your options until you find a place to start, and build from there. Life is the same way. I spent years going to college because “I had to,” and when I say years, I mean seven. Seven years, three schools, three majors. Only to decide to drop out in the end because school didn’t feel right for me, and I think I knew it all along. I was just afraid to say it because it’s what I was “supposed” to do. Yet no matter how hard I tried to make that damn piece fit into the puzzle…it just wouldn’t sit right. That’s the beauty in it, I guess. Not knowing what you want to be, means you can be anything. Everyone has their own method of piecing together their puzzles, and everyone’s puzzle is different. There isn’t really a right or wrong way to go about it from the moment that no two people are the same, and that’s magical. 

Until someone comes along, someone who’s puzzle is not all different from our own. Sometimes a large important part of our puzzles remains incomplete until this person comes around…they’re the piece that fits that blank space. Sometimes it appears that it’s the piece we’ve been looking for, it appears to fit, but something doesn’t sit quite right with you and you eventually set it aside. Until you find the piece that fits perfectly. These people stick around, and we begin to build the rest of our puzzles together.

To be Human is such a miraculous thing, and it’s sad when people can’t or won’t see it.

WHO ARE YOU?

When someone asks who you are, what is your response?

My name is….those are just letters used to make words to make sounds for people to call you by…

I’m from…Thats a place where you happened to be when you entered upon this earth…

The child of….again, that’s not who YOU are, but you made you…

I’ve heard this little ditty for the first time as an anecdote to thrown at Adam Sandler by Jack Nicholson in the movie Anger Management. I hadn’t heard it, or even thought about it for that matter, until watching Dirk Gently on Netflix….Todd’s sister Amanda’s answer was on point. So from now on the only acceptable answer to that question for me is somewhere along the lines of:

I am the consciousness of–that hears through the ears of, sees through the eyes of and communicates through the body of, [Insert Your Name Here]. Everything else is just circumstantial.

At the end of the day everything we take in through our body’s many senses is all CODE. A code that’s translated by the brain into images and sounds or whatever is necessary, based on our collection of prototypes. That’s to say that we know a table as a table by the fact that it has 3+ even length legs and a flat surface on which we can place objects on… Whether its round, triangle, glass or wood–that’s all relative, we see a table and know it’s a table because of it’s simplest attributes.

Who we are, is that simple, we are stardust that evolved a consciousness that developed technologies and changed the world in astounding ways, good and bad. We start off pure and innocent, and slowly we get to know the world we live in, we go to school, become part of the system, become sheep without knowing. With all these technological advancements in the past decade it’s hard to keep up with all the latest apps, trends…. Internet being what it is has made it nearly impossible to keep up with all these new singers/actors/etc that keep popping up… I almost can’t blame people, it’s so easy to get lost in… New clothes, new phones, new cars—social media has become like a computer version of high school on crack–gossip and who’s most popular? Who has the most likes? Who’s working out? Who’s married? Who had babies? Who follows me? Man, I remember a time where if someone had said “hey I’m following you” —STALKER would be the first word that came to mind…now we encourage it. But that’s another topic for another time.

My point is that we’re so caught up in who’s doing what, where and with who that we’re losing track of the fact that IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. We’ve just created a world where it seems that it’s important–without knowing that it’s only as important as you make it. Money, clothes, cars, it’s all temporary and only has as much value as you give it. The people in our lives matter. Our families, given or chosen, matter. Interpersonal relationships, meaningful conversations about everything and anything, THAT matters.

You could have all the likes in the world, Lady Gaga herself could follow you on twitter….If I can’t have a conversation about existence or the universe or the possibilities of life on other planets with you (among other things), the rest is insubstantial. What’s in your head, and how you use it is what makes you who you are…not what you put on your Facebook profile.

Think of that table I mentioned before. Shine it, polish it, have blind nuns carve intricate designs into the legs and and embed diamonds into each corner with golden flecks embroidering the corders in floral patterns. Yet it doesn’t need all that flashy-ness to be what it is… PEOPLE make it that way, because we place value in pretty things. At the end of the day a tables only as good as its ability to hold things up–to balance things. Well…at the end of the day, we’re only as good as the head on our shoulders and the mind that comes with it. So use it wisely.

 

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