Stream of consciousness

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Status report…

“And it hurts, man! Living… have you noticed?”. I, whatever that may be, always looking for something. And not really getting that something… the frustration, it’s torture. I can imagine it even, wanting someone/something so much but being in something of a “metaphorical cage”, grasping for what one desires… eyes open wide, full of thirst, desperation, all that I want not within reach. Yet desiring it so… is this how people go mad?

It makes me not want to desire it, letting go of it, seems freeing. Renouncing, the I that seeks and wants, what is left? What is of the agony without the reaching out of the cage? What’s inside the cage? A tunnel perhaps to go in deeper, to understand my spirituality, to go beyond the animal instinct within me. Perhaps not to deny my “animal humanness”, but to see it and explore beyond it. Do I get to decide my emotional stage? And how much?

I have often loved in one of the saddest ways. I have loved without being loved back. Unrequited loves. How normal is it to ask if there is something wrong with me? Why wasn’t I worthy of their love? Is there much of a point to spend energy focusing on such a question? Spending time on a fruitless activity. It could be a harmful activity. The only answer to such a question, after all, could only point at all my deficiencies. I have been so much aware of this question, so entangled on its seductive nature.

There is a logical way out to my dilemma and I so love logic. But there is also the emotional side of me, that even though logically speaking sees the way out, for some reason it likes to sit, in a way, sit and pout. My emotional illogical self, I detest you, and yet I can’t ignore you… you are a part of myself (or are you?). Assuming you are, how does your melancholy serve you?

After so many years, you are still wake with a pain in your heart. Her name on your lips… a habitual feeling of unmet longing. Yes, that is right… she married someone else, the thought comes to your mind. And you laugh… it is one way to deal with the pain of disappointment. And you go about your life and whenever you are afraid you will succumb to some dark impulse, her name serves as a talisman, a mantra, and all is well. What did you see in her? “In her eyes, the universe, in her laugh, my happiness, in her being, I felt alive”.

A status report then as you go being alive, without that romantic love, with the feeling of unmet longing. How can I, the logical mind, not step in to that and call you foolish? Cut those feelings out altogether… I suppose only death would do that. Nature can’t be overcome, it must be obeyed. Death is too final, I have realized that… and it will eventually come, there is no rush. Not to mention, I couldn’t dare make anyone sad with my premature death. Though, I will eventually make someone sad, though. There is a solution to those who mourn others… even.

Living your life for others sake. That’s something the mind and the heart can both agree on. And it is because of living for others that I must live for myself. The Dalai Lama has said that “with an increase in our sense of peace and happiness, we will naturally be able to contribute to the peace and happiness of others”. Such a path, I am on. I have taken myself and interchanged with the other. I can’t help one without the other.

I wonder where my path will take me… ever so vigilant of what my actions cause.

And what has this status report of mine caused? A way to digest my feelings and overall summary of where I am. There is so much to learn/to train myself on. The aspiration is there… Do not pity me so, I have high certainty that I am more fortunate than most.

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