Starting over with me has actually meant for me to start over with God. He started with me by saying, “You’re going to be getting married, but first, we need to work out a few things.”
Well, first I needed the correct view of marriage–in the biblical sense. Then I needed to understand what “true love” was. Finally–and this was the hardest part for me–understanding sex in the context of marriage.
Now, I won’t lie: I haven’t been the purest of Christians my whole life and I have engaged in pre marital sex before. Unfortunately in some of the cases, I didn’t have a say of consent in it. If you’ve been damaged like me emotionally and physically like me, then you understand how difficult it is to admit you have a problem. You feel ashamed and lonely and guilty and embarrassed by it. You want to curl up in a corner and die. You want someone–ANYONE–to say “I understand.” So you go looking for that person and along the way you get taken advantage of. And this happens over and over again till you admit to yourself, “I’ve got a problem!”
The church will tell you, “Pray. Fast. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” and that’s good. Believe me, I’d been praying and fasting for weeks and weeks till God revealed to me my diagnosis…and my treatment plan.
Therapy is not bad. Counselors are not of the devil–they aren’t sent to steer you from God. So, did I hear God wrong? No. God supports you taking steps to correcting the problem. You see, when we pray for healing, we expect a miracle. We expect instantaneous healing from whatever we’ve got. And sometimes God does heal us like that, but for other stuff, in other seasons, God has different ideas.
“For your thoughts are not My thoughts and your ways are not My ways, declares the LORD.” –Isaiah 55:8
When it comes to some healings, especially addictions, He takes us through our journeys gradually. He makes us work for our healing, not because He doesn’t love us–in fact He loves us very much. He wants us to learn a lesson. He wants us to learn to hate the sin and not the sinner. He wants us to be more loving and forgiving towards ourselves so we can show that love and forgiveness towards others.
It all starts with us. God will carry you so far and then He’ll teach you to walk again.