Sometimes,I sink. Sometimes, I fall into the darkest depths of myself. I forget what it is like to swim freely among the other fish in the world. I forget what it is like to float among the waves of life. I gasp for air, but I cannot breathe. I just fall into myself.
I think too much. I’ve always thought so. I’ve been told by many people that I should let my thoughts go but I let them drown me instead. I worry about everything. I worry that I will fail. WHY.. WHY am I afraid of failure? I don’t know. It’s natural… so they say.. everyone fails.
I find myself struggling in all aspect of life sometimes. I struggle with my decision to be a nursing student. I struggle with my marriage. I struggle with my family. I struggle with myself most of all. I feel like the waves are too big and I am only just learning to surf. I feel like my physical weight drags me to the bottom of the water. I feel like my reflection mocks me. I carry emotional weights around my ankles that keep me close to the ocean floor.
My husband tell me that I am beautiful but I know that I’ve looked better. My husband tells me that I am smart, but I don’t feel like I am going to make it through school. My husband tells me that my heart is in the right place, but I feel like I hate the world more than ever.
Can you tell that my mind is racing? My heart is always pounding. I am tired. I am running out of faith.
I am waiting for God to part the waters and show me the way back to dry land.