Re-recovery

Truth is, old habits die hard.

I’ve done good, so damn good for myself. I took the pieces of who I used to be and I molded them into someone I always dreamed to be. People who mistreated me were immediately cut off. I didn’t bother to explain myself, because why should I? My circle got small, and I was genuinely happy about it. I laid low on social media to the point that no one knew my next game plan. Or what I even looked like anymore. I was healthy, until I wasn’t.

Toxic people are like tacos. They look good, sound good, but, once you take that bite after the cheese and lettuce it’s pure ground up shit. I didn’t owe an answer back to a message that I never wanted. No one took a gun to my head and ordered me to. But deep down, that stupid little voice wanted to. What if they’ve learned? Who am I to say that no one can change? I’ve changed. But for toxic people, chaos is all they know. Despite the façade of a person who means what they claim.

“I know you hate me, but I seriously love you.” I wanted to believe you did. That after all this time of shady people and empty bottles made you realize what value I hold. The feeling of hope quickly disintegrated once this new persona was short lived. I mean you couldn’t even fake it long enough to keep up with replying, typical. Rule number one of trying to get someone back in your life, probably shouldn’t ignore them. Especially since it literally tells me when you’ve seen my message. Idiot.

If this was a test, I failed. I should’ve deleted it and move along. But I meant what I said, I don’t hate you. I’m happy that you wanted more than what you’ve allowed yourself for so long. Happy that you’ve grown roots. And I do want to take you up on your offer of Olive Garden and catching up. But, I’m happy. It took so long for me to reach this bliss, and you won’t ruin it. If you can’t add to the vibe I’ve created for myself than I don’t want you around. No matter what place you used to hold, or title you had. Take your negativity, and 24/7 chaos, and kindly get the fuck away from me.

The one decent thing this shit state has going for it, is breathtaking mountains. And on top of them, I’m talking Bob Ross approved views. The city lights were twinkling for miles and miles and beyond that the great “lake” panned out in front of more glorious mountains. For a minute, I caught myself wishing you were here to see it too. And then it hurt all over again.

Stupid message sent me into a spin of nostalgia, and I can’t seem to find myself out of this funk. Guess it’s day one of recovery.. again.

If the past comes knocking, it has nothing new to say.

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