Rambling.. Late night thoughts

I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. Then there are other days where I tell myself it’s ok, it’s what’s inside that matters not so much on the outside. Who I am as a person and how I treat others and what I have become is what is so important. I’ve always hated myself and blamed myself for not being loved the way I desire, for not being admired or appreciated. I’ve hated myself for the longest time and I think I’ve just grown tired of it. Maybe I should start looking in the mirror and appreciating everything I see. I should smile and thank God everyday for what he has given me. I don’t want to be that depressed person that is so consumed by self-pity and insecurities. I don’t want to live my life focusing on why I am not good enough for a man, a friend, a family member, a parent. Not good enough for this or for that. I just want to love myself. I want to spoil myself with self love and appreciation that I have been looking for in all of the wrong places. Because really, it’s been inside me this entire time and in men I tried so hard to find that. How can you find in a man what has been inside of you all along? How can a man that doesn’t love you fill that void. How can a man that tells you everything you want to hear make you feel better? I’ve done this for months. I’ve let myself be treated like garbage just to fill that void. I have believed lies and I constantly bend my morals and it’s all for what? In the end that man will leave once he has used me to his own advantage, like they all have. Feeling lonely and insecure will lead you to really dark and ugly places at times, that being a wrong man or any toxic situation that will just distract you and take you to another world. I’ve let myself down. I’ve let my body down. I’ve let myself go. Why am I so broken and damaged you may ask? I don’t know. But I’m hoping that one day I can put all of my insecurities to rest so that I can rest as well. I hope one day I can love myself and stop letting men taking advantage of someone that is lost and confused. I hope one day I can go shopping late at night with the love of my life only to be cuddled up on the couch watching movies together right after. I hope one day I can be loved, and find that real, epic, amazing, one of a kind love that I have been craving all of my life. I hope one night I can look over my shoulder and see the love of my life sleeping peacefully, and I will just look at him and be so happy that I found a man that truly loves me and wont leave me. He will stay with me and take care of me as I will take care of him when he needs me. Our kids will be so happy and we will take such good care of them. In our ups and downs we will remain together. Best friends, soulmates, parents. I just picture so many things and I just wish it was real. I wish he was here now. I wish I knew this faithful and loving man really existed other than on a blog site where a young girl is dreaming of meeting him. Is it too much to ask for? To be truly and passionately loved? To have a one of a kind relationship where you know that person will not leave you even when times are hard. What is it like to wake up one day and not have to worry about your partner leaving you or cheating on you? Losing interest and just disappearing. What is it like to go on with your day knowing everything will be ok when you get home because you know your partner will be there waiting for you. ONLY you. What is it like to sleep and wake up next to this amazing person that would do absolutely anything for you? I wonder. I wonder what it’s like to go outside and look at the stars with someone by your side. I wonder what it’s like to kiss in the rain and laugh and dance in the sun. I wonder what it’s like to introduce someone permanent to your friends and family. What is it like to not feel insecure? To know your loved. To be loved. To be appreciated and acknowledged for all you do. Maybe it’s just a big fantasy of mine but I sometimes believe this man is out there. I feel like this man will be perfect if I ever meet him. I think I’ll definitely marry this man if he really does exist.