Pity party

I’m in a relentless battle against something completely out of my control. Time. It haunts me, mocks me, reminds me that the sand travels at a much faster pace than it had ever before. I’m nearing the end of my twenties and it terrifies me. I constantly kick myself for not being anywhere near where I’d imagined to be.

I recently caught up with an old friend. She told me that she’s just finished up with her master’s degree…. M A S T E R S. I was embarrassed to say the least. I’m still struggling with the very beginning of my long journey. Living in a rental, while she’s an owner, giving my expensive car up, while she’s paid off hers. Yeah, I definitely binged on comfort food after. And dried my tears with cheeseburgers, don’t judge me.

I’m angry with myself for not getting it together fast enough. For not losing the weight I want to or not owning the house I should be. Some days I feel like what’s the point. What’s the point of running in a race I never see the finish line to? Bills come due, unforeseeable circumstances pop up, and before I know it I’m behind, again. Then I turn into this negative, ugly, defeated, human being. Pointing fingers and placing blame on anyone close to me. Anything to relieve some of this pressure I put on myself.  But truthfully, the fault is mine. My expectations for myself are more brutal and unrealistic than anyone knows.

Not everyone’s journey is like my own. Not all of us run at the same pace. I’ve endured more hardships in my short amount of years than anyone should. I was sexually abused, had drug addicts/alcoholics for parents, had a kid in my teens, tried my hand at many suicides, got addicted to drugs myself, overdosed, and miscarried many many times, one being very far along and recent. It makes sense that I wanted to die once, somedays I still do. Sometimes I wonder how I get out of my bed in the morning without crying myself to the grave. Then I look back and know exactly why I do. I had to fight for my life, had to overcome the hardest hurdles ever thrown at me.

I wanted more for myself than my family has ever known. I didn’t want to settle with paycheck to paycheck living. So, I dreamed bigger than anyone has, I enrolled in school. It’s overwhelming and if anyone says different they are a fucking liar. It challenged me in ways I didn’t know existed. I passed a math class, me! I aced most my courses (damn you history) and I felt for once in my life, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Until, another road block. So, I took time off to re-evaluate myself and my dreams.

I got a job in the healthcare field to see if this career was really something worth pursuing. The experience was necessary for me to grow as a Nurse and person. I needed to be humbled and validated that I’m someone who belongs. Thankfully that’s exactly what happened. I worked with people who reminded me why I wanted to do this in the first place. These same hands that type these words have healed and helped other people. I’ve helped make a difference to people, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world to me. I’m entirely convinced now that this is my purpose, that this is why I was put on earth. And that revelation alone is more than most people figure out, let alone, chase after in their entire lifetime.

We all move at our own pace, we all fall short of our expectations, doesn’t mean we are less than anyone else. Doesn’t mean we throw in the towel and stop making moves. Clap for the people who are further ahead and cheer the ones who aren’t. Because no matter the speed, we are all brave to have started at all.

One day when I’m staring at a degree I never thought I’d get, I’ll look back and smile at all I’ve overcome. One day I WILL reach my finish line, and this will all be worth it. Until then, it’s time I stop wallowing at this pity party and get back to it.