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not sure what the intention of this was

The “lost years,” as I call them are from around 18 to 21. I was constantly talking about my ex, how in love with my ex I was, and our lives were so heavily intertwined, I started to forget who I was. As soon as I started to get my head out of my ass I realized that, like, I had to live my own life too. She didn’t like that too much.

Now I’m sitting here at my desk, after saving all the posts from thoughts that I wanted (not many, just the ones from 2012) and realizing that life has changed a lot. My views, my relationships, my goals. But I don’t know how much I’ve changed.

I also can’t see straight, my breath is short, and I feel so weak. I don’t know why. My friend here thinks it’s about a boy. A guy who’s been stressing me to the max, and I don’t know if she’s wrong or not. All I know is that I’ve been running around since Saturday with no breaks in between, and not sleeping at night.

I’ll tell you why I’m not sleeping at night. When Jack was over someone woke us up around 4am with a loud scream, like, “BOLOULOULOULOU,” it sounded as if it was coming from outside and I woke up screaming, so did he. Then after a minute of him trying to calm me down, the scream happened again. I responded by closing my eyes and grabbing onto him and he told the person to fuck off rather loudly.

After that we both had anxiety but I was crying loudly and couldn’t really pull myself together. I’ve had experiences with people who threaten to break in and people who wanted to harm my family and I who would do shit like this to mess with us. I just couldn’t leave that spot in my mind.

He eventually fell back to sleep and I stayed up the rest of night trying to calm down.

The last few nights I’ve been having anxiety dreams about someone breaking into my apartment, and waking up at 4am on the dot. Like clockwork. Ironically he has too, and we usually message each other. I think that’s part of it. I get less than 5 hours of sleep, and can’t fall asleep after 4am because of what happened that night.

That and constantly running from one place to the other for work, long meetings, and just trying to be there for everyone who wants a piece of me.

Now I can barely keep my eyes open and my head feels fuzzy, and I don’t know.

Wtf was this post even about?

3 thoughts on “not sure what the intention of this was”

  1. Clearly this is about life experiences. Could not write this, but you did. helps me see in a new way what happens to and with others.
    helps me make the point: be tolerant. Respect. Listen. Learn.

    is what this blog is about for me. indeed One more thing. wasn’t reader friendly and would never make a response/comment like this. To a total stranger. But here I did.

    not sure what the difference is. but have had my say in response to what you have written. trust it is positive. Contributory. G’day.

  2. Years ago, after I first separated from my ex-husband, I began having anxiety attacks at night – terrified someone would try to break in and harm me and my babies. Drove me crazy, waking and rechecking the doors until finally I got the bright idea to put a deadbolt (one that can only be locked from the inside and not seen from the outside) on my front door and a stick in my sliding glass back door. And for me… slowly it began to take the edge off and I was able to sleep at night… until I eventually moved us to another place. Just a thought… finding something that could calm your anxieties might slowly ease your mind… Good luck.

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