No sympathy

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I don,t write this for you sympathy, nor you sorrow…….

I write this to clear the thoughts in my my head…….

and to make sense of the thoughts……and sometimes its just easier to put pen to paper…..

About a month ago I was diagnosed with depression, It hit my quite hard at the time, I didn’t see it coming, but at the same time it was so obvious!!!!

My work had got to me overtime, and I hadn’t realised, let me explain some more, I work as a security guard at a large hospital. And we are a small department for what we have to deal with. at any one time there are 6 guards for a hospital with over 1000 members of staff working at anyone time, thats not just the medical staff, its the behind the scenes guys like the cleaners, that do an amazing job, its the porters that move the patients in between wards and never complain.

As you can imagine working in a hospital we see a wide range of things going on, and see people doing their bit, or patients dealing with a variety of things. Ive met a 95 year old lady who was ready to die, she had a good life, she had grandkids, and great-grand kids, and had done everything she had set out to do. I’ve met a mum with her new born child, who was just 25 minutes old.

But there is the downside, the weekends can be hard, especially with the drunks who have cracked their head open, think there is nothing wrong and want to take the world on. Or the druggies who have no idea what planet they are on let alone they are in hospital, and are a danger to themselves and everyone around them. Its these idiots that think its a good idea to get behind the wheel of a car and drive…….

Its the family that think that becouse their sister, brother, or best mate has broken an arm they can scream and shout at the medical staff, and be volient towards them, and lash out at us, and when everything is calmed down they think a simply apology make up for my black eye, or my mates broken nose.

It doesn’t matter who you are, it eventually starts to grind you down in some small way.

deep breath here……

Althou ive never been the skinniest person around, i do hit the gym and work out, this helps me blow steam from work and gets me out the flat, and a great way too meet new people, unfornetly, with covid going around, we all know the gyms have been shut!!!! Ive always described myself as a beer barrell on legs, unfortuntely Im even more of a beer barrell on legs at the mo. I have put on weight over the last few months, which doesn’t help.

And I stop doing doing all the little things that i liked, I use to love to draw, just grab a sketch pad and pencil and just scribble away, i use to read a lot, i would grab a book in the evening and read for hours. All the things that would help me relax and switch off, i don,t do any more.

And I noticed a change in myself till a few months ago, my boss took me to one side and spoke to me, asked if everything was ok away from work. My relantionship hadn’t worked, and we had parted company, and its only now I realised something was wrong and I needed todo something.

And I am doing something about it….

I spoke to a doctor….hence getting diagnosed….

I’m looking to get away from where I work, a transfer to another site, somewhere smaller and quieter…..

I’ve started back up the gym today, which was an awesome feeling, but know I’m gonna feel it tomoro…….

Im looking online at various things to help me day to day….

I said to myself I wasn’t gonna let this beat me, and move on….

And relax……..Sorry if this hasn’t been what you wanted to read, but its helped me, and sorry for the spelling mistakes

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