My Thoughts on 7/24/2019

Good morning out there. It is a moderate morning for me. I am kind of lost and alone. Lost in the land of melancholy. Introspective. Missing my once upo a time wife. Alone. Yeah lost. Kind of down in the dumps. Not depression yet. I have no suicidal thoughts and the voice is still quiet. My stomach knots are acting up again. Tired. I did not sleep well last night. Had bad dreams of her with him. Woke up a few times sobbing. As always tears haunt me. Seems like tears are an integral part of me these days. I have a difficult time escaping them Oh well. C’est la vie. My head is full of dark thoughts after those dark dreams. I am alone and need to learn to live that way for I will be alone the rest of my life. They say you only hurt the ones you love. Well I’ve done more than my fair share of hurting her. Not it’s my turn for the pain of loss. Damn these bloody tears.

Today it is going to be warm with bright sunshine and low humidity. It will be a good day to get out on the bike if I can get myself over there. That’s the thing. Energy levels are very low and so it is difficult to get moving. Very hard. I haven’t ridden the bike in a long time. I really should get out on it but I don’t want to miss a shot at seeing her. I could use some wind blowing in my face, the blacktop rolling by beneath my feet. I’d take a ride out through Salem county and get lost, then have to find my way home again. I turn randomly when I go out there. Unlike my trips where I feel a need for speed. They take me a defined route down Jackson road where I open her up to about 100 to 110 mph. Just a taste of speed to get the blood flowing. Nowhere near full throttle. Then I make a right at the stop sign and head down to route 206 where I make another right, hit the White Horse Pike and take that back to Berlin then home. That little trip takes me about an hour. When I go out into Salem I am often gone for hours. I cruise about a sedate 50 mph which is the speed limit. Those are mental health trips. The ride down Jackson road are a mind stablizing blast of speed.

2 thoughts on “My Thoughts on 7/24/2019”

  1. Vroom vroom! You sound much better today. Hold on to that feeling of wanting to ride. Treat yourself to a road trip. ❤️

    1. I AM better today, all things being relative. Monday and Tuesday were really good days. Terrific days. I was stable and centered both days. Today? Not so much. But I will muscle through it. I think I am heading depressed again. But I take one moment at a time. For now the voice is quiet. The tears can go to hell. I get them all the time. Mood is low but not yet depressed. Energy level is low too. I will not make the bike today. I have a doctor’s appointment I just made. Then I have to babysit my two youngest grandkids while my daughter goes to work. But tomorrow is another day. I will try to get out then.

      Good news is my Chevelle is fixed. Only cost me $100, half the $200 estimate. Towing was $75 though. But she is fixed and so now I have one sanity machine to drive anyway. She is really strong. Lights up the tires no problem and they are G50’s (really wide tires). I think she’d be a 12 second machine at the track. Some day I will find out.

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