My escape is writing..

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Where do I begin? I guess I can begin anywhere I want to. When I write, I feel like there’s no judgement, I feel like it’s just me and my words and I feel free when I say them out loud even if these words are just in my head. I’ve been holding on to a lot lately, and tonight is the perfect night to let it all out. I feel alone. I feel so toxic to everyone and especially to my own self. My health has just been a roller coaster.. and the one person that truly understood was my best friend and I pushed him away. I hate myself for it every day and I think about him almost everyday. I think about reaching out to him all of the time but he is so much better without me and in my mind and heart I can imagine he’s doing so good and I’m so proud of him even if I don’t know much about him, for months now… I miss him but he deserves a better friend. I’m starting to feel like I pushed my family away too, and it kills me. A lot of times I let my anger get the best of me, I let my anxiety and my depression get the best of me and without wanting to I push people away. Unfortunately I pushed my best friend away and that kills me a lot more than it kills me to not speak to my sister or my dad. It hurts more because he was actually there for me and he cared every single moment he was there for me and he listened to me and he was so amazing. I didn’t deserve him, but he filled me up with hope and he made me feel loved at 1 am when I had tears in my eyes and when I had awful thoughts going through my head. He was there when my first love broke my heart and he was there when my dad broke my heart.. he was ALWAYS there and I am so awful for the way I paid him back. I am so dumb that I deleted his number, because I thought that it was for the best and it wasn’t. I owed him so much more than what I’ve done which is push him away with my destructive and toxic ways. I miss him so much, but I know that if I find a way to talk to him it will not be the same and I sincerely don’t expect any forgiveness and I don’t deserve it either. How could I be so dumb…. how could I be so blind. My best friend was everything when I had nothing, he was there when nobody wanted to be there. I love him, I will always love him for being the first person to listen to me and be there for me when nobody understood what was going on with me. A part of me wants to fight for him but I think it’s all lost now and of course the other part of me wants to let him go and let him be happy because I know right now he probably doesn’t even think of me which is ok I deserve that and more. Tonight is just one of those nights where I wish I could talk to him and hear his voice and know he still loves me and cares because I do. Tonight I will fight my anxiety on my own and I will find a way to cure my depression at least for the night until the sun rises and it’s time to go to work.

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