I had a long conversation with my wife tonight. She convinced me that I have to stop hating myself, that I have to take the reasons I hate myself and make them into reasons to like myself. She convinced me that I need a creed to change my life, to make me someone I can respect. To make me someone I can love. Accordingly this is my creed that I will try my best to live up to. I aimed for 10 as in my 10 commandments but I only came up with 9 so these are my 9 commandments:
1. I will live by my principles. Never again will I let them slip. I used to have principles that I stood by come hell or high water, no matter what the consequence. It made me proud to be me. I always knew that what I did was done in the sense of what’s right. Never did I have to regret what I’d done or said. I will reach that position again.
2. I will not lie in order to further my cause. I used to always tell the truth come what may. I was always ready to withstand the consequences. I had honor and I stuck by the code that that implied. I will never tell lies again come what may. I will accept all consequences of the truth but I will not lie again. Nor will I twist the truth to fit my own ends. If the complete and honest truth won’t cut it then I will say nothing.
3. I will stand up for what I believe in. I used to proudly state my beliefs and even argue them to death. I never rolled over and let another’s beliefs override my own without a fight. I was always open to a better, more logical argument which could change my mind about my beliefs but never without a lively argument in their favor. No more will I let my beliefs be trod upon. No more will I roll over and let them go.
4. I will stand up for the little guy, for those being set upon by greater forces. Time was I routinely stood up for those who were put upon. I’ve given up that habit. No more will I stand by and watch other’s disgraced and made fun of merely for being different, for not fitting the norm. I will fight for them as if I was fighting for myself.
5. Which brings me to this – I will fight for myself. for my right to exist and feel the way I do. For my right to be sane or insane, my right to be me. I used to have such pride in myself and never let anyone trod upon that pride. I will never again let anyone make me feel less then them. I am me and I have value. I will defend that value for all I’m worth.
6. I will always be true to myself. To my principles and my beliefs. I will let nothing sway me away from that. I used to always be true to me. Back then when I looked in the mirror I knew who was looking back and I loved that person. I will never again let it come to the point where the person in the mirror is one I hate and despise.
7. I will never again let my emotions, be they love or hate, rule me. I never used to let them rule me. I was always coldly logical in everything I did. It’s only in recent years that I let such emotions as love dictate what I did and said. I may feel these emotions again, no guarantee there, but I will never again let them dictate my words or my actions. This is perhaps the hardest of these to do. I am so full of love for someone unreachable right now that it’s unspeakable. Still, this is how it must be. Mr Spock, you are my hero. (For all you star trek fans)
8. I will respect and value what I have, what I’ve been given. I never used to look for something better all the time. I was always satisfied with what life has given. Lately I’m always looking outside what I’ve been given for something more. Something better and more satisfying. I will be satisfied with what I have and stop stretching for something else, something unreachable, that only makes me unhappy when I can’t reach it.
9. I will, above all else, respect myself. If I live the preceding 8 points then this should be an easy one. But for me right now, from where I stand, it’s a very difficult one. But it’s the ultimate culmination of the preceding 8 and is perhaps the most important. I don’t respect myself now and don’t expect anyone else to either.
These 9 items are set here in hopes that they will remain forever in my mind. I hope that by living up to them I may someday come to like and even respect myself, that someday I may find I actually have worth as a person. So let it be written, so let it be done.
10. Never doubt that you are a worthy person. You deserve to be here, as I do. There is room for us all: the whole, the broken, all. We are here for each other. If not, what’s the point?
What a beautifully written post. I am working on changing the way I ‘talk’ to myself and it has helped me not hate myself. I always looked outside of myself for happiness because that is where I thought happiness was to be found. My friend here showed me it comes from within. We live. We learn. Be gentle with yourself.
Thank you. Finding happiness within is a hard thing to do. Good luck with it.