It can be difficult when you feel old habits creeping up on you. An old version of yourself that’s slowly fading to the recesses of your consciousness, kicking and screaming that it’s time to shine has come to an end. A new era has begun, an era of rational thinking, regardless of the emotional backup that somehow manages to pop my lid more often than not, and with noone in particular being the trigger. Everyone and anyone can be a victim to my rage.
Repression is a bitch. Go enough years holding shit in, you’re bound to explode eventually and sadly is usually on the last person who’s to blame. In fact, the person who triggers those episodes are usually the people that sincerely have my best wishes at heart. Usually my family, or my boyfriend. Of late, it’s mostly the boyfriend who catches the brunt of my mood swings, poor thing. It’s like this evil demon in my chest that breaks loose every time it finds the chance, usually just after I’ve woken up. What makes it even more frustrating is that those other moments where I wake up without the demon….I’m on the polar opposite end of the spectrum… bouncy, chipper, and I’ll talk about whatever comes to my mind. To the point where even other morning people are like, WOAH slow down tiger. That’s putting it nicely… my boyfriend and my brother take a similar approach that is, nodding and “mhmm”-ing. Which is kind of fucked up because I know there are moments that they want to tell me to shut the hell up…too much too early… but they don’t say it because my obnoxious bubbliness is usually better than the alternative.
From my side, it’s gotten to the point that when I go to sleep at night, it’s a coin toss what mood I’ll wake up in, in the morning. I could have the best night ever, but then something happens in my sleep and it could be a foul morning if something is said at the wrong time. Shit, I’ve snapped because there’s no milk for my morning coffee….Do I have a problem? Maybe… But I can at least say that I’ve acknowledged that there’s an issue. Now it’s reforming my method of expression. Because I’m not naive enough to believe that I’ll change. I’ve always been a landmine in the morning. Even if I wake up chipper, the wrong thing at the wrong time can change that mood in a heartbeat.
Maybe it’s because I feel that I’ve taken a lot of shit from a lot of people, including those in my close circle. Now I’m at a point where I can’t take shit from anyone… I won’t have it. And sometimes I’m a little ULTRA sensitive and loose with the interpretation of the “shit” people have been giving me lately. Small things, like really small things….NOTHING really can be enough to make me want to hit something. That’s when I usually write, draw, or just go out for a walk to clear my mind because the noise in my head (not like coo-coo noise, just thoughts) is too loud to get any of it to translate onto paper via pen, pencil, keyboard, what have you.
I’m trying to tame my beasts. I really am. And those who know me, who really know me…..know not to judge me in those moments… my brother just laughs now. Which pisses me off in the moment…but I’ll eventually start laughing myself when it hits me how incredibly childish I’m being. Then everything is ok. We all have our issues. We all have our weak moments, some last a second, some last a lifetime. The beauty is finding people who love you and who cherish you regardless of your “flaws,” and the ones who stick around are the ones who really matter.