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  • TLSeeker posted an update 4 years, 6 months ago

    Does people who cause you so much pain and misery deserved to be forgiven? Are you willing to talk to him like nothing happened?
    He’s acts are still the same although there’s no commitment at all because i am not willing to be in a relationship with him again. My friends call me stupid for still communicating with him but i cant help ’cause i still care. When his in trouble i still worry about him and keep on replying. Will i be able to move on despite this continuous communication?

    • You almost certainly will not be able to move on, no. I know this from experience.

      But I wouldn’t define it as a matter of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very archaic practice that often fails to really address the issue and many factors involved that seemingly necessitate it.

      Put another way, when someone wrongs you, that is a wound of trust. When someone wrongs you, they might wrong you again. When someone wrongs you many times, they will certainly wrong you again. You can forgive each wrong but the forgiveness is meaningless because it doesnt assure you will not be wronged again and the person that wronged you has learned from their error.

      Both parties will feel better about everything if they make it all about the acquisition and maintaining of trust. If the one doing the wrong to another learns to stop doing it, they won’t need forgiveness because they can at least be assured for themselves they’re better than who they used to be in that they will no longer repeat their mistake. For the one that was wronged, forgiveness is not something that need be granted but held to the standards that prove to you the wrongdoer won’t repeat their mistake so you dont have to worry about it longer.

      But the danger in communicating with one that makes a habit of being harmful somehow is that you yourself won’t know where to draw the line and stop. You set yourself up to be the punching bag for their bad habits either metaphorically or literally. This can happen either by being treated badly by them directly or continuously watching them practice self degradation or behave badly to others and just suffering via watching.

      I know this from experience. Recent experience. And it resulted in me being betrayed by whom I thought was my best friend. Not only did they lie to me but they did it to continue their own codependent relationship ways. Ways that were causing them heartache and therefore making me feel bad to watch and hear it.

      I decided I wanted more than that. That I was torturing myself watching them suffer. But it helped this person actually did me wrong in a way that was completely unacceptable.

      You cannot have a healthy emotional life chasing people that don’t want the same for themselves. This makes you codependent. It makes you one more trying to help an overgrown child that doesn’t want to grow up and thus keeps yourself a child in your own right. You cannot grow yourself trying to tend and help someone that won’t because its demonstrative not that you’re trying to actually help them as much as you’re trying to feel heroic and secure “saving them”.

      If he genuinely wanted help and demonstrated serious effort and results in growing, it’d be different. Perhaps if you’d mastered attempting to help him but having strict conditions you’d follow where you’d cut him off completely if he didn’t meet those conditions, that could work too. But if you’re trying to help him because you need to help him and you can’t control yourself, then you have just as big a problem as he does. The only difference is you’re just self aware of it but not really exercising true effort to get beyond it.

      You not only need to stay away completely from him, you need to stay away from people like him with similar traits. I can promise you that winding up with similar people with similar negative traits and habits is very easy and high until you master the changes necessary that put you in them to begin with. Because we are all involved in the relationships we are a part of. Our own habits and actions contributed. You cannot change them while chasing after that which you should be avoiding. It doesn’t matter if he’s a good person at heart or not. What matters is he’s not right for your path and what you seek to be. He’s a blind spot for your goals that will keep you chained and unable to reach them.

      Practice new strength first. Practice standards and consequences. Improve yourself. Then you can go back with objective eyes to people such as him and truly know of you can be around him without being corrupted by what you were trying to escape in the first place

    • I wouldn’t say your stupid at all. If anything you are showing courage and strength. Despite what he might have done to you in the past you are doing what you think is right. That is helping someone out that you care about. Doing that regardless of what other people think of what you are doing or if it is the right thing to do.
      Can people be forgiven that cause you so much pain? I think that is a question that only you can answer.
      Pay attention to what you feel and do what you think is best for yourself. Listen to what other people have to say, but base your actions on what you think is right not what other people think is right or what they think of you. If you can do that despite what may happen you will be able to move on.