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For so long I have been living my life Backward. Not being who I was supposed to be and I was miserable. It is nobody’s fault but my own, this has been growing like a balloon since the day that I thought I was pregnant.
When I was a child I beautified having a family, I was not sure how it would happen but once I got pregnant I knew that I would finally have someone in my life to love me unconditionally, because that is what a baby does for you. In this scenario having a baby is even better than lying back on the beach relaxing, because all of my troubles would go away.
However, once I missed my period, fear caused me to have a Behaviour. My mother was a teenager when she had me, I learned in my early teenage years that she had to give me away when I was born. How I learned of it was upsetting to me, but I pushed it down and hid it so that no one, but the aunt that told me knew that I knew the “truth” until I was forced to confront my mother.
My father was not in my life so the betrayal of my mother giving me up made me afraid that I would have to do this on my own. Afraid to be a single mother, having to figure out how to take care of my baby on my own, pushed me over the border. So, I went to the store and bought the test, waited until I was all alone and waited for the lines to change color. Suddenly I saw two lines and I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was that I was going to have a baby, and now I had to tell my boyfriend that he was going to be a father. How in the world would I tell him he was going to be a father?
I was so afraid that me telling him that I was pregnant would leave me broken and alone, but I had to tell him nonetheless. I had to tell him and I did, with no bracket friends to be there if things ended poorly. No, I have always done things on my own, not wanting to make someone else have to suffer or feel bad because of what I was going through. So now that I took the test, I had to tell him that he was going to be a father and hope that he would be there for us, hope that he would not be upset and leave me because I did the test on my own, and hope that I would be able to figure out the next step for this little baby inside of me.
This was the turning point of our relationship, my boyfriend accused me of intentionally trying to trap him, as though I had used a combination of the study of Botany and of course missing one of my birth control pills to make me pregnant.
My life slowly changed more and more, as the little bump in my stomach grew. I finished the semester of school and then chose to drop out, I had to drop out, so that I could stay home and take care of the baby that was on the way. I also quit my job working with people with disabilities at their home, because if there was an incident, I could not get hurt and put this baby at risk.
So, I was at home, trying to get ready for this baby, I was mostly alone. So, what did this mean for who I would become? Well the story is long, winding, and crazy, but eventually I learn to find my strength and become myself once again.