maybe it’s the lack of sleep

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Sometimes it feels like my soul is sinking so far down, there’s never going to be a way back up. What makes it worse is I know I only have myself to blame. I don’t know how far back I lost myself. Maybe it was after he died. Maybe it was after finally ending another awful relationship after three years. Maybe it was staying in it after being cheated on so many times. Maybe it was after that one who tried to actually kill me. Maybe it was having fun and ruining someone’s mindset of love because I jumped too far too soon and had to leave. Maybe it was chasing the wrong feeling, on everything. Maybe it was after getting into something with someone else who had a beautiful fucking heart, but I couldn’t stay happy no matter how hard I tried. Maybe it was when I went to your fucking grave four years later. I used to write about my fears for you on here eight years ago, now I’m writing what was the inevitable. Maybe it was after I got on to that fucking plane. Maybe it was when I accepted my new job position. Maybe it was when I realized the pattern. Maybe it was when I did the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and now I am numb. Maybe it was when I got to the gate and recognized that feeling. I wanted to rip my heart out. I always prepare myself for the start of situations, but I never think of the end. I can never tell if I’m chasing the feeling of love, adventure, or lust. I get the slightest feeling of warmth from anyone or anything, and I chase it head on. It’s a rare feeling for me, to find that sunlight feeling. I meet a lot of people through work, every fucking night. I do a lot of things when I’m not working. I try to always stay busy, but all of that feels the same. I’ve noticed that my feelings for people, nature and the open road tend to go hand in hand. So I can never tell what it is I’m truly chasing. All I know is I’m tired of this sinking feeling, and all my daydreams lead back to you.

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