May.

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I’m lost. I am an emotional roller coaster. Why is it that I never learn my lesson? Why do I continue being that caring and loving person when I should be the complete opposite? I am right back to where I was, broken and lost. I have lost so much. How is it that I have to tell myself to let go of the people that I love? Why is it so easy for everyone to leave me. Why do I always have to be the one that can’t let go? I feel so pathetic. I am sick and tired of being hurt. I am sick and tired of being the caring and forgiving one. I am so tired of being the one that is left behind like I don’t matter. I will never understand why it is that people always leave, but they do. It hurts me. I wish I could escape this feeling of hopelessness and deep despair. I wish I could make all the feelings and bad dreams go away. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to miss people that don’t deserve to be missed. The anxiety eats me alive and consumes me entirely. I can’t focus on anything I have completely lost myself. My heart has been broken too many times more than I think I can handle. I don’t know what to do. One minute I am so angry and the next I am crying because I know that hating the people that have hurt me will not fix anything. So I cry, every single day in hopes that eventually so much crying will lead to healing. People that I thought would never leave were the first ones to leave and it kills me. The emptiness that I am left with and the unanswered questions haunt me every single night. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed, to always be so sad and unhappy. I feel so alone and I feel as if I could never trust in anyone ever again. When I do trust, I end up broken into irreparable pieces. I am sick and tired of picking of the pieces and I am so sick and tired of being the one that loves more and cares more. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want to face this pain every time someone leaves me. I don’t want to feel like I am not good enough and I want to be happy. Some days I wake up wanting to start a new life and I want a fresh start but then the day settles in and all these memories haunt me and they don’t let me move forward. I hate admitting to myself how much I miss the man that I unfortunately fell in love with. I hate the constant reminder throughout the day that my own dad left. I hate the dreams that I have of the man I love because I wake up so unhappy when I realize it was just a dream. I hate myself for missing him. I hate myself for loving him. He doesn’t deserve a damn thing. My dad doesn’t deserve me either. Those family members and friends that have hurt me so badly don’t deserve the love that I still have for them. I am scared to fall asleep every night because I don’t want to see him in my dreams because I know when I wake up it’s only going to hurt worse than it did the day before. The despair will only get worse. I wish I could hate him, in fact I think I am starting to. How is it that someone can tell you over and over again how much they love you and one day to the next just leave you like you’re nothing? How can someone talk to you every single day and all of a sudden just disappear. How is it that I have offered everyone so much love and forgiveness and it goes unnoticed and unappreciated? I hate this. I hate the pain that I feel in my chest every single time I breathe, and I hate how I can’t hide the way I feel anymore. I tried so hard the last few days to be strong and smile and hide this from my mom and from everyone around me but now it’s just impossible to hide how broken I am. Some days I feel so much pain, other days I feel anger when I think of everything I have been through with people. I just want to be happy. I just want to make my mom proud, I don’t want her to see me this way. So broken and unhappy. So sick and tired and out of place. I really hope my mom can forgive me and also learn to understand me. Some days I just feel like I am going crazy. I feel like nobody understands or knows what’s going on with me. As I am writing this, I feel alone. Above all, lost. I pray to God not only for his forgiveness, but for his help. I am desperate for an escape. I am so unhappy and I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I just want to disappear. I feel ashamed of all of the times I have let people laugh at me and hurt me. All the chances that I have given to toxic people. All of the times I believed in someone only to be treated like I didn’t matter. I don’t want to believe in anyone anymore. I don’t want to let anyone in anymore. I think I want to be alone now. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I want the bad dreams to go away, and I want the thoughts and memories to just disappear like everyone else has. I don’t want to be the fool that cries herself to sleep while everyone is perfectly fine without me. I don’t want to worry or pray for people that don’t deserve it anymore. I wish I could just find myself, the real me, the girl I lost so long ago. I wish I could find my happiness and make mom proud. I hate being this person. I hate being bitter and sad all of the time, I wish I could just enjoy life and be grateful for life rather than having to fight this sadness every single day. I need help, and I don’t know where to go for help. At this point the best thing I could ever do is stop believing in people and start believing in myself. I have saved myself so many times I don’t need anyone to save me, I just hate feeling alone and as much as I hate to admit it I want to feel loved by someone and I want to matter to someone. I want someone to stay for once, to love me the way I deserve to be loved. I know mom loves me, but somehow I still feel so alone. Something tells me I have to get used to that, because people only let me down and leave one they are finished with me. It’s taken me a very long time to accept this but it’s time for me to accept that loving a man isn’t part of my story, having a father isn’t part of my story, and some friends must be erased from my story. I think mom deserves the best which is to see me become something great. I try to focus on that and I try to block everything out and I try to focus on myself but nights like tonight I let my thoughts get the best of me. I’m afraid of what I might dream of tonight, I hope he wont be there in my dreams, and I hope I can start dreaming of a better future.

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