May 22

Today I realized that he never cared, today I realized that I don’t mean anything to him. All of the memories that play in my head over and over again meant absolutely nothing to him. All of my doubts and worries ended up being true. My very dark and insecure moments were all because of him. How could I fall in love with this man? How could I be so blind as to not see what was right in front me for nearly an entire year. How is it that I talked to this man every single day of my life and not once did I ever save myself before he ripped my heart right out of my chest. It’s too late now right? I’m stuck with a haunting broken heart and he is doing perfectly fine. I am not just hurt this time I am angry. Anxious. Lost. I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy after this. I am so numb some days, and days like today I am so angry that I can’t even focus or think clearly. How could I be so dumb, so naive?! I fell in love with a monster. As dramatic as it may seem this monster really did rip my heart out. He knew, he knew all along that I was a good woman and he still acted as a coward and he still hurt me knowing it would destroy me. At this point as the days go by I only feel worse. I feel so pathetic, so disgusted, and so ashamed of myself. I hate myself every single day for loving someone that I was only a simple joke to. I was just any other girl and any other piece of trash to him. I meant nothing to him yet he made it seem like I was everything to him. My heart is so broken, and my mind is so foggy. I have no tears left to cry and I have no words left to say to him. I don’t ever want to see him again, I don’t ever want to hear his voice again, I just want him to be gone out of my life and out of me too. I don’t want to have dreams of him anymore. I am slowly starting to hate him, and my hate turns into pain every single night as I wait for a miracle. Every single night gets the best of me. The emptiness, the memories, the pain, the bad memories along with the good ones. I don’t want to think of him anymore. I want to completely erase him but I can’t. I don’t want to be this person, blinded by rage and run by pain. I don’t want to be this bitter and depressed girl anymore. I want to be happy but all I do is torment myself for someone who isn’t worth my tears and pain. Why? Why did he do this to me. Why did he have to be such a coward. Why did I have to meet him and go through this hell. He ended up being just like everyone else. A coward that believes leaving is the only solution to his problem. I can literally feel my heart break even more as I write these words down. Every second that goes by is another second closer to hating him and I really don’t want to be that person but maybe it’s the only way the love and memories will go away…… with hate.