Living As Me

I am bipolar type II. Not I have bipolar. It is not a disease. It is a disorder and yet it is my life. In addition I have schizo effective disorder, dissociative identity disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Yet it is the BP which defines me. I live by it’s cycles. I am forever looking forward into the mood that is coming. I am always in fear of the insanity that comes with the future.

If any one of you does not know, cannot imagine, what it is like to be bipolar just imagine the two most opposite poles you know. From the greatest, most extreme highs to the deepest, most extreme lows. Bipolar depression differs from unipolar depression because, being in opposition to such amazing highs, it seems all the deeper. More intense.

If the endless cycles are not enough there comes the times of rapid cycling. Rapid cycling is defined as more than one cycle a month. Well imagine such cycles, between extremes, daily or even hourly. That is the definition of insanity.

With the highs often comes psychosis. You see things and hear things and smell things even feel things. It is a time when you cannot even trust your own senses. You know it’s not real and yet you cannot deny your own senses… it IS real despite what your mind says.

And don’t get me started on the extreme paranoia. When you get to the point where when you are driving you make random turns to lose those who are following you. When you go into a store and ask for a pack of smokes and, when they are offered to you, you ask for a different pack because you know, beyond a doubt, that that pack was drugged and if you’d smoked then you’d have ended up in a detention cell.

Yeah. That is madness.

I talk so often here of the madness but I never make it clear. So this is my attempt at that.

Imagine the deepest depths of hell. That is the depression. A time when you hear the endless ramble of voices intended to drive you to suicide. Not in your head alone but in your ears. A time when you have to watch out for other lives taking over your own. I have at least three of them. Dunno, Noahbody and the little girl with no name. My wife has seen and interacted with all three. Each has their own facial expressions, their own handwriting and grammar, their own diction. They are distinctly different and are readily apparent to my wife. Yet I rarely remember when one of them is in control.

Yes… madness. I know I am insane yet so often I am totally sane. It is what I aspire to. 100% sanity 100% of the time. Some day I may even reach there.

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