Journal – Sept 7, 2017

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Today I have an appointment with the shrink. I will have to tell him about the dissociative spells and the two times I was seeing the shadow people. Normally I would hide those incidents but if I’m hoping for disability then I need to tell the truth and the whole truth. Those types of incidents are embarrassing because they only serve to show just how weak I actually am. I mean if you can’t control your own brain then how strong can you be? I also need to ask him why he has not sent my records on to Social Security.

I also need to call the disability lawyer again. I called him two days ago and left a message and he never called me back. Apparently he needs copies of my tax returns to send on to Social Security. At least according to the copy of the letter I received from them that was addressed to him. He never called me about it so I decided to call him and here we are… he never called me back either.

As I said in another post I have been going through my old posts in my original life on Thoughts and printing them out. I am now up to the point where I am seeing the psychologist. The way I remember it that was a waste of time but according to the posts I read it was hugely successful. It was good to have someone neutral to talk to about it. He apparently had some really good insights into it. No the way I remember it at all. All that I remember is him thinking I had a multiple personality and sending me on to another psychologist who specializes in multiples for an evaluation. I remember insurance did not cover him and I had to pay the $300 fee out of pocket… three times… only to be told that yes I dissociate but no I am not a multiple. All things I could have told him from the start. I don’t recall what happened with the original psychologist after that but I do remember him trying to teach me relaxation methods as if that could help the never ending depression and mania. Yes I was a lot more manic back then. These days mania seems to have gone by the wayside and I live with a seemingly permanent depression.

Speaking of which the depression is nasty today. Deep and dark. My life is the darkness. Inside me is so dark and empty. It is filled only with the voice of the beast telling me what a wasted load I am. I that beast and thus I hate myself for I am the beast and the beast is me. Yes I do hate myself. I have done so much harm over the years. To those I love. I have failed far more often than I have won. I keep falling back down and when Iam very down, like today, all I want to do is to give up. To die and get it over with. To end it all. To escape the bonds of this hell that I live. So at heart I am a weak willed wimp who simply canj’t take it anymore and I despise wimps. Thus I despise myself.

Oh well, c’est la vie.

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