Journal – May 27, 2019

Things finally came to a head on Saturday.

Before her trip to Disneyworld with my daughter I had tried all weekend to get my wife to go out to eat with me. She kept coming up with excuses. She was camping with her sister. She said she was helping her with the deck. Then she was helping her hang her lights. Then she had already eaten. It was excuse after excuse. That Sunday when she finally came home she gave her truck to my oldest daughter because she had totalled her car. My wife then went ov3er her boyfriend’s. She could not even spare me an hour. Sunday night I went over my youngest daughter’s to watch Game of Thrones. I had hopes that my wife would be there but of course she was not. She was still with her boyfriend, probably getting laid. This was even though she had to get up at 2 AM to go Florida. Of course she was not there. She knew I would be.

They came home on Thursday, arriving late. She called me early on Friday to see if I had her truck key. I tolde her it was in Bobbi’s room but I could get it even though Bobbi was at work. I said I had to take the 2 little one’s to daycare, which is more than halfway to my youngest’s home where she lives. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up to get her truck. She replied no, her sister will do it. That meant that her sister had to pick her up, drive all the way over here then drive all the way back which was absurd. It is my contention that she did not even want to see me at all.

At 1 PM I took my mother to AC Moore to get some things. On the way back I drove past here and the truck was still in the driveway. Apparently her sister was not as prepared to run her over here and back as she had thought.

Friday night I sent her a text asking why she did not even want to see me. Saturday morning she replied with the statement that I was starting even more bullshit. I replied that no, it was very real…. to me. Her answer was that I should cancel the Alaskan trip and she was seeing a lawyer about a divorce on Tuesday if that was how I was going to be. I answered her that she could have spared me an hour either before her trip to Florida or after. Just one hour. I told her it was too late to cancel the trip and I had already spent thousands of dollars on it. I told her we should go anyway, lawyer or not, and that we could still have fun. She told me that she would see me on Sunday, yesterday, at our granddaughter’s birthday party. On Sunday she made a statement to me that I would need to leave my MAC card home during our trip so that my oldest daughter could deposit my check when it comes in.

So apparently she is seeing a lawyer tomorrow, Tuesday, to begin divorce proceedings but we are still going together on an Alaskan cruise. That is very good but also bad. Tensions will be high. We will have to sleep in the same bed unless I sleep on the couch which I very well might end up doing. If we DO end up sleeping in the same bed I will need to be very careful not to even touch her during the night. We will be eating together and going on shore excursions together. The stress will be very bad. I will need to be on my best behavior at all times which means no drinking. Not such a big deal since I stopped drinking all together 4 years ago this September. But she has become a lush and so I worry the she will be getting drunk on shipboard and potentially starting shit while she is. It will be one of the most stressful trips I have ever been on. No. Not “one of”. It will undoubtedly be the most stressful trip.

As for the prospect of a divorce…. the very thought tears me apart into little pieces but I had already been coming to the same conclusion because I juswt cannot go on like this. The actual divorce may very well kill me. Quite literally. Once it is done I may just decide to not live anymore. It is how I feel already when I think about it but for now I have to hold on with an iron fist. I dare not show her how weak I truly am.

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