Journal – July 21, 2019

It’s been a rough week. I’ve been all over the place both mentally and emotionally. I’ve been through a short, intense psychosis riddled manic spell all the way through a psychotic mixed state clear into depression. I am totally spent. The crazy heat this week hasn’t helped matters any. I’ve been nervous and jerky and wired beyond belief. I’ve been mixed state to the dangerous point of being suicidal and yet spontaneous. I’ve been deeply depressed and found it hard, almost impossible, to get out of bed in the morning. It’s been a wild ride. During one psychotic spell I was super paranoid, convinced I was being watched and they were coming to get me. I was talked down by my once upon a time wife just like in ages past. I am ashamed of that. I so do not like going insane in front of her. To her I need to appear strong and confident and in control not like some poor, whipped, mentally unstable asshole. During the second spell I began to see the shadow people again. I gained control of that one on my own. Good for me. Yes. I’ve been out of my mind.

We worked on the Chevelle yesterday morning. Changed the ignition switch and the key tumblers but the car still won’t start. We proved the starter is good by jumping the solenoid. We tried adjusting the switch but can’t seem to get it right so tomorrow I will have it towed to the shop where, hopefully, they will be able to troubleshoot and fix it. Estimate for the work is $200 and I don’t know what towing will cost. That is money we really don’t have but I need that car for my sanity. My once upon a time wife recognizes that and gave the go ahead to spend the money. All of this is assuming I get out of bed in the morning.

Again I did not sleep well last night. I was up at all hours and had really wild dreams. I had to sleep with the light on for half the night to keep the shadow people at bay. I’m sure that did not help me sleep. I really need a solid 6 hours or more of sleep. I am emotionally and mentally spent.

Dad wants me to help him and brother get a tree tomorrow. Dad.. if you knew what it cost me to get out of bed today you probably wouldn’t ask. If you knew how close to the edge I am you would have me committed instead. I am walking a tightrope over a chasm that is filled to overflowing with insanity.

I did my deep breathing exercises this morning to stop the shakes and try to center myself. It worked only partially. Already the shakes have returned and the wildly spinning thoughts continue. They are still borderline suicidal. The voice continues it’s rant, repeating what a loser I am and the fact that I would better off dead. The world would go on just fine without me. One big hurt that they’ll soon get over for my loved ones instead of an endless litany of small hurts that torture them. I wonder is SHE would grieve? Yeah, the voice is a constant companion. It’s Dunno’s voice. I know it well.

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