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We had a long talk yesterday. I see now for certain what I have long suspected. I am at fault. I destroyed our marriage. It was all my doing. I am the reason she no longer feels like she’s married to ma. And never again will. All I can do now is set her free. Remove myself from her life. She’ll be happy eventually. Sure there will be some pain at first but she’ll get over it soon enough. Thing about it is I don’t want to die. I really don’t. But it seems like the only option. The only way to set her free for good once and for all. I took a ride yesterday and took all of my pills with me. I brought a full large bottle of iced tea so that I could take all of the pills. I smoked a joint and sat and thought. And thought. And thought some more. I decided I did not want to die right then. I figured I’d give it some time and see how I feel today. Today I feel no different. I see no other answer. I have to die. Later today I will repeat my excursion from yesterday only this time I WILL take all of my pills. I have a secluded spot to go to where no one will find me right away. That will give me time to die. I wrote a last will and testament and although it’s not notarized I think it will hold up. It’s easy. I leave all my worldly goods to her to do with as she sees fit. I also wrote a letter to her hopefully explaining why I must do this. Or explaining well enough that she won’t feel guilty and hopefully it will ease some of the pain. I really don’t want to be found until it is too late to revive me. I don’t want to end up in the nut house again. But I am pretty sure I can do this without anyone finding me until I am already dead. I just need to sneak out of the house with all my pills. If nothing else the trazadone should do the trick. But I will take them all. Every last pill. And I will leave my letter and my will in the car with me for that they are found when my body is found. I will go to the back of the industrial park in Pine Run. That should be isolated enough. I will do another joint then I will start downing my pills. From the most lethal to the least lethal. That should work.


6 Replies to “Journal – Final Entry – July 17, 2018”

  1. Bipolar is hard to deal with when you yourself don’t have it. BUT she knows you have had this, she knows how it works. She’s been there, she’s seen it. This doesn’t have to do with you or your diagnosis or “how you’ve made things hard on her” (because like I said above, she knew getting into this that this would be her life)
    This is actually about her. All these feelings she’s having, these regrets? That’s what it is, she thinks out there is the life she “should have” . . . The guys she could have, the jobs she wants, the return to no responsibility (of the family) None of this is true. She could leave, and maybe she will, but if she’s built a life around family, she will be devastated if she truly does leave them. She thinks not having to deal with them will be freeing, and in some ways, it will be. She’d have time to do things she hasn’t before. But they won’t mean anything if she leaves her meaning behind.
    She does need time to herself, yes. She needs to figure out her own issues. But she’s being unfair if she’s pinning all of this on you.
    You know why I know this?
    I feel like that. That if I stay with the person I’m with, I won’t be able to do the things I want to do. That I’m missing out. That things would be easier without them.
    That’s all on me. That’s how I feel. That has nothing to do with them other than they are the current focus – I know if I broke up with them . . . I’d find something else “to blame” for my situation. It’s me, not them.

    1. I did not die. Instead I got terribly ill and threw everything up.

      She does not realize a lot of things. At present all she thinks about is herself. Is this a female version of a second childhood? I dunno.

      1. I am glad you did not die. I think of you when I am not online, This place is different from thoughts, but the people are still the same . . . I still think of you guys.

        Essentially. It’s when you feel stuck, in a job, in a life, that you start thinking, “If only x,y, z was different, then I’d be happy.” It’s not exactly true, but it’s a powerful fantasy :/

        1. Yes. A fantasy. She said she was leaving us all behind but in reality she only left me behind.

          This place is definitely not Thoughts. And most of the people have left. You are my only real friend from Thoughts who came here.

          Even I rarely come here anymore.

          1. I’m so sorry. It’s part of the reason I will never act on my feelings like that, is because I would be hurting a lot of people.
            She’ll come back, wanting your forgiveness, once she realizes that it’s not what she wanted. It’s up to you what you want to do once that happens.
            If nothing else, it’s much less user friendly, I still can’t see anybody’s posts, I have to search for their name. I miss it so much.
            Should we exchange emails? I don’t want to lose touch.

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