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Journal – Aug 9. 2019

It’s been a good day despite being a little unstable. The weather was beautiful, perfect for yard work. I helped my daughter as she cut down all the shrubs along our fenceline. I carried the cut pieces to the pile and raked up what was on the ground while she diod the cutting. It felt good to do something for a change. It’s been so hot that it’s been impossible to work outside.

I had a panic attack earlier. It was unusual in that it lasted a couple of hours and was deep breathing resistant. It all started with my wanting me to call the insurance adjustors for our place in NC then it went downhill from there as more and more came at me all at once. I was hyperventilating and going nuts as my thoughts began to spin, my hands to shake and my heart to race. It felt like a fist gripping my chest and it wasn’t long until the chest pain started. I tried deep breathing but was unable to do it. I was breathing too hard and fast. I took the kids over my parents where I eventually began to calm down. But the effects of the panic left me unstable. I feel like the depression is coming back. The voice, quiet during the attack, has come back with a vengeance. It is strident and distracting in it’s intensity. It spouts the same old tired litany of shit. I’d be better off dead. I’d soon be forgotten. Better one big pain then an endless stream of small pains. I should die to save the world from me. Especially my loved ones. Yeah. Same old shit. I am tired of hearing it yet it does not shut up. This time it is the raspy, deep voice of Dunno. He’s always hated me to no end. He wants to see me screaming in agony before he grants me the sweet release of death. He is a fucking pain in my ass. He does not fear me but he does fear my wife. Wish she was here right now. Even at the other end of the phone. He even fears her voice. She always shuts him the hell up. Although he did try to threaten her earlier in the week. I guess he was only emboldened by the knowledge that she is essentially out of my life. That gives him free reign to fuck with me as he will.

So I am not quite stable. Darkness is out there on the horizon. The darkness I escaped last night. Unfortunately I have no more herb to use to fight it and my wife is gone. I tried calling her but she did not answer. I tried her good phone. The one that gets service everywhere so if she was down the campground it would still go through. The fact that she did not answer tells me her boyfriend if there. (pang of jealousy) I am never allowed down there even though it is my sister in law’s campsite and my wife swears she has nothing against me. I can’t help feeling she does. Like she sides with my wife’s boyfriend. Of course she should and does. After all she is my wife’s sister and my wife loves him above me. Sad. That thought brings tears to my eyes. But I will not go there. No. No fucking tears tonight do you hear me? Wish my eyes would obey.

I am heading out of my mind again. Wish me luck. I will need it. Back to that fucking bloody depression that rips my heart and soul to shreds. That is if anything is left after my wife is done with it.

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