Journal – Aug 1, 2018 – Post-Hospital NutHouse

I damn near succeeded but Dale came home in time to find me and call the ambulance. I swallowed over 100 pills (mixed bag of my psychotropics) and passed out. When Dale tried to wake me I started throwing up. The ambulance took me to the emergency room where they gave me charcoal to clean out my system. They then sent me to the nut ward (Behavioral Health unit) where I was kept under lock and key for 10 days. I had to attend group counseling sessions each day. The group counseling sessions were pretty useless. They did adjust my meds though. After about the third day I started to feel better. I was just discharged today. I have to go 5 days a week for outpatient therapy, half days each. I wonder what they would do if I did not go? After all I’ve done a number of outpatient therapies, all of them group sessions, and they were no better than the group sessions in the hospital. It’s been my experience that they teach you coping strategies that are good only for fighting mole hills while you are facing mountains.

I have to say that I am disappointed to still be alive. Things with my wife have only gotten worse. I believe she was seeing someone while I was in the hospital. Probably still is. Or maybe it was just the one time so she could get laid. In any event she only visited me in the hospital twice for 1/2 hour each time although visiting hours lasted 2 hours. My parents came up to see me each and every night. I get the cold shoulder from my wife every time I talk to her. I tell her I love her but she never responds in kind anymore.

She says I did not want to die. Instead she says I was out for attention. She couldn’t be more wrong. I have not yet decided whether or not I will try again. After all to try again and fail again would put me in the nut house for an extended time. I did get some good ideas on how to do it from others in the nut house with me. Better than overdosing anyway. Not all were better than overdosing though. One method actually is to buy some heroin and overdose on it. Silly me. I should have thought of that one myself.

She has hinted that she is willing to try to work things out and that gets my hopes up but then I think back to the things she told me and I know that will never happen and if it does it won’t work. She wants to separate so she can go get laid any time she wants and not feel guilty about it. I say if that happens then we either divorce or I die for good. Not sure which. She has been my rock for 40 years and now I don’t have her any longer. I am left with nowhere to turn for help when I am in crisis.

2 thoughts on “Journal – Aug 1, 2018 – Post-Hospital NutHouse”

  1. Counseling is a two way street. Your counselor has to be committed to helping you and you have to be committed to accepting help. Without that “contract” the counseling will feel flimsy. There has to be complete truth and honesty in everything you disclose to your therapist. They can not honestly help you or reach you if you aren’t being 100%.
    Therapy is hard…maybe the hardest thing you will ever do. It is about holding yourself accountable for your words, actions, thoughts, and behaviors. None of us want to hear how we have contributed to our own misery. Maybe some of the issues were caused by other people…and in those situations we have responsibility in how we allow what others have done to affect us. Yes, there are normal reactions to harm from others…the question is how do we deal with it?
    Crisis is not the event…it is how we choose to handle the event. Trauma affects us…so we either seek help to heal from it…or we hold it in and allow it to change us. It is our personal choice.
    I absolutely hate hearing that you feel your temporary situation calls for such an extreme and permanent action such as suicide. You may be feeling at your breaking point…and you cannot see envision your future…or maybe you cannot imagine a future without your wife. That doesn’t mean you cannot have one…and it doesn’t mean it can’t be filled with love and peace.
    I implore you to determine if all of the things you have written about your wife are also her reality. Have you shared these specific feelings with her? As an example, my husband is diagnosed with a couple of mental health disoders. Often he will get angry with me for something he has imagined I have done. It may be a delusion…or it may be a misunderstanding due to something that was said. He also imagines I say things that I do not say. He believes I feel certain ways without actually consulting me about it. He even once accused me of being flirty and “touching” an acquaintance while we were picking up some candy for an event. The exchange took all of 3 minutes and I never got close enough to the acquaintance to touch them…or even brush passed them. It was all in his head…and he imagined what he wanted. It is very difficult to help him recognize anything other than his personal reality…which is devestating to me and to our family.
    It is obvious you are hurting. Leaving this Earth is not the only solution to healing your pain. Life will likely look different after you have healed…but isn’t that honestly what you want…it’s clear you aren’t happy with the way your life currently is.
    I wish for you peace and happiness. If you ever need to talk…please feel free to send me a msg. ?❤?

  2. She knows it wasn’t for attention, but it’s easier to say that than to face the truth. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. I don’t know what it’s like, because everyone’s experience is different, but I’ve seen “the nuthouse” as you call it and I’ve been in on those groups.

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