I damn near succeeded but Dale came home in time to find me and call the ambulance. I swallowed over 100 pills (mixed bag of my psychotropics) and passed out. When Dale tried to wake me I started throwing up. The ambulance took me to the emergency room where they gave me charcoal to clean out my system. They then sent me to the nut ward (Behavioral Health unit) where I was kept under lock and key for 10 days. I had to attend group counseling sessions each day. The group counseling sessions were pretty useless. They did adjust my meds though. After about the third day I started to feel better. I was just discharged today. I have to go 5 days a week for outpatient therapy, half days each. I wonder what they would do if I did not go? After all I’ve done a number of outpatient therapies, all of them group sessions, and they were no better than the group sessions in the hospital. It’s been my experience that they teach you coping strategies that are good only for fighting mole hills while you are facing mountains.
I have to say that I am disappointed to still be alive. Things with my wife have only gotten worse. I believe she was seeing someone while I was in the hospital. Probably still is. Or maybe it was just the one time so she could get laid. In any event she only visited me in the hospital twice for 1/2 hour each time although visiting hours lasted 2 hours. My parents came up to see me each and every night. I get the cold shoulder from my wife every time I talk to her. I tell her I love her but she never responds in kind anymore.
She says I did not want to die. Instead she says I was out for attention. She couldn’t be more wrong. I have not yet decided whether or not I will try again. After all to try again and fail again would put me in the nut house for an extended time. I did get some good ideas on how to do it from others in the nut house with me. Better than overdosing anyway. Not all were better than overdosing though. One method actually is to buy some heroin and overdose on it. Silly me. I should have thought of that one myself.
She has hinted that she is willing to try to work things out and that gets my hopes up but then I think back to the things she told me and I know that will never happen and if it does it won’t work. She wants to separate so she can go get laid any time she wants and not feel guilty about it. I say if that happens then we either divorce or I die for good. Not sure which. She has been my rock for 40 years and now I don’t have her any longer. I am left with nowhere to turn for help when I am in crisis.