Journal – an 1, 2019

Good morning world. Happy New Year.

This was the first New Year’s eve I ever spent alone, without my wife. Needless to say it was a sad one, full of tears. I went to bed early, around 10 PM, and I laid in bed tossing an turning. I was stuck home with all of the kids from Mary’s and Bobbi’s and their friends. They were making quite a racket. I fell asleep sometime between 11 PM and midnight so I missed the new year coming in.

Mary and Bobi both went out and left me with their kids. I don’t know what my wife did for New Year’s and I’m not allowed to ask. That would be prying.

They say that what you’re doing on New Years eve is what you’ll spend the next year doing. If so then I’ll spend the next year alone, babysitting kids. Now THERE’S a sad thought.

Hope you all had a better New Year’s eve than I did.

My son started his cold turkey suboxin withdrawal last night. I was supposed to stay with him to watch over him but he wouldn’t let me. He says if one of us stays with him it will only make it worse. He says he knows what to expect and doesn’t need any help. Still we will stop in to check on him and make sure he’s OK.

Depression is bad today. Very bad. I could barely get out of bed. Despair levels are high and hopelessness runs rampant. I am so lonely.

I used to save copies of these journals on my wife’s desktop so she could read them and follow how I was doing but she doesn’t have an account on this new computer. Besides she never read them anyway.

Nope. I am all alone in this. All alone with my tears. I contemplated suicide last night but I swore no more suicide attempts and so I did nothing with it. Just wished it could happen. Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills first.

Woe is me. You fucking little wimp. Go feel sorry for someone who really needs it.

3 thoughts on “Journal – an 1, 2019”

  1. Just wanted to say hi. I haven’t been on here in so long. I look you up every time I log on, I still don’t know how this place works.
    I went through and read back to where I last read, in October somewhere. It seems like you’ve been through a lot in the last couple months. *hug*
    I wish I could do more.

    1. And I also hope that that isn’t true – that what you’re doing on new years eve is what you end up doing the next year . . . I was at the airport and then a motel, where I ordered a pizza.

      1. I am sorry for you. I hope it isn’t true for you too. Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes it has been a rough couple of months but so far I have survived despite the call for suicide. Thanks again. I think you are the only friend I have here. (HUGS) right back to you.

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