I was a total fuck-up in high school. Over the DECADES I have analyzed what fumes of memory there of those 3 years. I only remember what was bad and painful. WAS there any good? I think the Development of writing skills was a positive. Girlfriends? Never had any. Drugs and alcohol? Oh hell yeah! Bad home life? Yeah I guess so but I feel compassion for my dad looking back. He was human. I was a low self esteem pathetic bastard.
Why think of that past time?
I used-to think of it a lot then realized, “shit man, 3 years of your life? WHAT THE FUCK ?” Yeah, 3 years. I was on a site for the class to gather and someone remembered me and I knew damned well it was not good. Was it this drunk or druggy incident? The time I dropped those porn mags in class? Puking drunk in class? Naw, nothing good. I left that group. I never went to a reunion and came to realize that they were all about CLIQUES. Those same little ego shit things from high school. Some things never changed.
A while ago I asked myself WHY I gave a damn about 3 nightmarish years of my life? There are so many years I have totally forgotten! Yet those 3 fucking years?
We give importance to what matters to us. I did that. I liberated myself from the 3 years. Don’t mean nothing. Nothing of that here in the present. It was a sickness I carried for decades. A self image based on 3 years of … developmental horror.
I look back at my DECADES of life and try to remember what I remember. I have to laugh, incredulous because there were literally DECADES of life I do not remember. WHY? Because I gave it no importance. Sure, girl friends and petty dramas but that was all. No timelines no years an often no names remembered. What DO I remember? I remember the traumas and try to not remember pets I loved and lost. The arguments were stupid and meant nothing. The Divorce I am tired of talking about. The health scares… I am still here you see. So much had no meaning. It all has only the meaning we give it.