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it crosses my mind time to time

It’s been a little while since you’ve visited my dreams. I’m not really sure what happened that day. I was in the shower one minute, then I was researching where your grave was, and next thing I knew, there I was on the way to the cemetery. It had been four years; I had accepted what happened, and all that came along with it. I always knew how this one was going to end. I’ve never loved someone so much. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. And then I found your grave. And then I felt something snap. Everything became real again. Seven years ago felt like yesterday. Four years ago felt like that morning. I think I’m at the point where I’ve accepted that this is the death that will always bother me. I know there’s nothing I could’ve done, but my problem is I know that I tried, but I cannot say I tried my hardest. And that’s what kills me. I was always there, hoping you’d ask if you needed it. I was young and dumb, and way too afraid. What are you supposed to do when the person you so badly want to see succeed makes it impossible to envision a world where they make it past the age of 22? I always had that gut feeling, which is why I tried holding on to you for as long as I could. I’ve gone to many funerals in my life, and that was one I couldn’t get myself to go to. I couldn’t see your mom like that. I couldn’t see you like that. That guilt eats at me more than anything. I had the highest hopes of watching you become better, now you’re six feet under ground and I am still coping. Four years later. I’ve never met anyone else like you. Please come visit my dreams soon.

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