I Wish I Could Have Watched Myself Grow

Recently I have been watching in a horror fascination as my legs and feet seem to slowly be dying. There is some treatment for it but no cure. “Veinous Insufficiency” it is called. It starts with varicose veins that are ugly due to weak valves in the veins that keep the blood from flowing up to my body. Sure, easy enough for the blood to flow down. Getting it up? Oops no sexual innuendo there! Getting the BLOOD to flow up is another matter. I became aware of this a few years ago when I found a lump and great pain in a knee. Inflammation. Went to an urgent care place and the dumbfuck doc did not know what it was. Went to a real doc and he said it was a blood clot. Got and ultra sound and they found 2 blood clots! Just in time. Had to give myself blood thinner shots to my belly. Shoot up 24 times! It was surreal and a nightmare stabbing myself to live. Now I am on oral blood thinners. I HAD massive varicose veins and then a weird thing started to happen: Patches of rust and red colored flesh in my lower right leg. The blood just pools there and does not go back into my system up doing the rounds of the body. My right foot where the toes join the foot have turned rust brown, black and blue. There are patches of flesh like that.My feet bloat. Water balloon feet. Recently that has started to happen in my left leg and foot. Like some planned methodic alien attack. I try to keep my feet up. Some of my toe nails are dark blue. A nurse said I may need a foot cut off some day due to lack of circulation.

I laugh about it. Gallows sick humor. Oh shit my body is corpsing on me before I am dead!

I keep walking. Stay in motion. As long as you are moving in mind and body you are alive. As long as you can blink and use your mind to order your body to do that, you are alive.

Now we come to the title of this writing.

One of my favorite fantasies is to travel back in time to my own mind in my own body. HIJACK! Yes, hijack the younger self mind. That more fucked up than now mind. I would love to go back in time to when I was a teenager and change it all. I could get laid! I could be a good student I could I could … not be the self of THAT time. What would be fun would be a SHARING of the mind experience with that person of THEN. To be another presence in that mind and talk to SCOTT of WHENEVER time. To also be an …


It would be so good to look at that young body and observe the youth the health and, knowing what I know NOW, advise that self in how to live in a good healthy way. How wonderful to OBSERVE the growth of that body and mind! Ah the raging hormones! Boners in the morning! Look out world… stuff is on the loose! Just like every teenage male. Ah to see a full head of hair and do something better with it! To get OUTSIDE MY OWN EGO and invest in and watch and CARE ABOUT OTHERS. Had I cared for OTHERS when young I could have been more important in an ego gratifying yet GOOD way. More empathetic and compassionate.

If I could go back in time to my body and mind of my youth, how wonderful to observe and feel my body RUNNING! To be more cautious about the injuries that still bother me. I DO remember running at times. Running for miles and miles… ahhhhh so ALIVE! The concept of “mindfulness” was not a thing when I was young. TO BE IN THE MOMENT LIVING IT FULLY. No, it was more like dog seeing squirrel often mind: “Hey! Look a squirrel!” Over and over.

How wonderful it would be to go back and observe this body in such great health and help it be in better health. Instead? Being so ignorant, I did not live in the moments of my life and only paid attention to the fireworks and candy. How wonderful I can move my hands without pain. How wonderful to have hair. Oh wow … ERECTIONS! Look at those wonderful legs and a body without the scars of 65 years. Such a virgin that flesh is. No surgical scars! What a marvel!

NOW I watch the decay of this body and laugh with memories of what was once so important and now, so trivial. How wonderful to have all my hearing. How wonderful to see without glasses and how wonderful to be so fully … ALIVE RISING instead of now… fading … and I hope nobly fighting that fading.

2 thoughts on “I Wish I Could Have Watched Myself Grow”

  1. My mother is 78 and just had vein surgery. They did one leg at a time….they pulled some veins out and glued others shut. After they put the glue in she said the Dr’s and nurses all laid across her leg to seal it and keep it sealed. My mother grew up a cowgirl…rode horses all her young life until she married. She became a nurse…had 7 kids and was active all of her life. Always was fit….but she got varicose veins maybe in her 30’s? She said her mother had them so they were hereditary.
    I remember my mom just staring at her arms maybe 20 years ago and saying…..she can see her skin aging. It feels different,….looks different she would say. And she would always ask my dad….do you feel old? And he would say….no. And they both would laugh because they don’t think they are getting older. But they know its happening ….like they both refused to wear hearing aids until my sister had to set them both straight about it because they would argue because they had no idea what one said and just assumed one was yelling.. Now they both are always losing one hearing aide and everyone is looking for it every time I call. My dad had cataract surgery and doesn’t need to wear glasses so my mother says he shows off by buying all these fancy cool sunglasses. My father has always been a vain man. And my mother too for that matter.

    Ok…where was I going with this.
    I think….we all should make efforts to let the younger generations know to appreciate their bodies. Take care of themselves. Don’t sit on these damn computers all day….get out….enjoy nature and climb those mountains while you can.

  2. I have patches of FLESH that have turned red and brown. Nothin can be done about them surgically. BIG patches. Parts of my feet and legs. I asked the docs at the heart branch of the hospital that handles all circulatory stuff and they said vein removal is mainly cosmetic and new veins grow back and same thing happens. Great your mom had some relief in surgery. I will need cataract surgery some day too.

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