I want him but I need to work on myself first

I met this man about a year ago. We were not allowed to be together at the time, and I couldn’t make it happen, it would have made my life a little bit difficult. Also, I was in a relationship. Anyways, a few months after those unfortunate circumstances I reached out to him. I had a good excuse for that, he was in a school in my country (but too far). We ended up staying in touch. And now it’s been months. We’re starting to get to know each other. I know he likes me, I could see it last year. I know I like him a lot.

I haven’t been single for 6 years now. Always with someone who’s not a good match. I’m still in a relationship now and I’m not happy. I need to feel like I’m living my life 100%. I’m starting to think that I need to be single for a while, be happy, and understand what I need in another person. I want to have fun. I want to feel, I want to touch. I want to laugh. I’m putting way too many filters in one day with my current boyfriend. That’s not healthy. That’s not the life I want to live. I want to be myself and to feel even better when with this other person. Right now, all I can think of is “I can’t tell him about this because he doesn’t care”, “he wouldn’t understand”, “why do you even want to share it with him? aren’t you happy by yourself?”. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a very nice person, but I do filter myself a lot, just because I don’t want to bore him and it’s crystal clear that lots of topics wouln’t be interesting for him. I made the mistake to start a relationship with him before even being friends with him. Please if you’re reading this… take your time. Get to know the person. Your heart will lie to you, it will tell you that you need him when in fact you need the intensity. What matters the most is how the person makes you feel. I know that I don’t feel whole with him, and that’s my signal. All we have in common is our desire to travel the world. But he’s very negative and I need lightness in my life. Lightness and intensity. His being negative is what I liked about him at first because I liked that everything meant something to him. He seemed very human to me and I loved it. And it’s good that I recognize that because now I know that I need someone who’s both human and positive ;).

Anyway. So, I like him and I think he’s very special. I want him but we won’t meet for another year at least. We don’t live in the same country and even if the coronavirus was not interrupting the whole world, we both have things to do where we are for another year.

I think about him a lot, I see in him a lot of me and I love it. He’s very attractive, very positive. He has so many qualities. Bottom line: If you really want him, have faith. Have faith in the fact that if you two really match, then you’ll keep talking for another year and you’ll want to meet next year.

Last year, spending time with him so often managed to make my heart drop in only a few weeks. So I know it’s not just a physical attraction. He touched my heart. I mean, I really don’t know. He’s maybe an ass, but it’s all good for now lol.

Ironically, I do believe that the more I work on myself, my present self, the more there is a possibility of us having a real story in the future. So everytime I find myself going crazy over potential scenarios, I change my focus back onto myself and I breathe.

In the end, all I want is to be happy. And if I really want to be happy with him, I need to be happy without him. And since I’m very excited about this possible future, I will be patient.

Please spread positivity! we’re all in the same boat.

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