So let’s talk about hope.
Lets face it – this year has been completely fucking awful. The pandemic has separated people, caused so much grief and anxiety. My family experienced loss that we couldn’t do anything about, because we weren’t allowed to be there with the people we loved when they passed. We weren’t allowed to get together to celebrate a life, to grieve the loss of it. Working in medicine, I saw so many people and families struggling with not being able to see one another in the worst moments. Humans crave touch. Humans need companionship. We don’t thrive when we are alone.
Our past experiences cause us to be lonely too, in a normal world with everyday struggles and hurts. Our past experiences keep us from allowing hope to grow in our hearts. We shelter ourselves, shutter our hearts and minds from any possible hurt… but from any possible hope and love as well.
When I left New York, I was in such a terrible place. I had allowed myself to become locked in a toxic pattern because I had been hurt so many times. I felt like I couldn’t do better than what I had. The couple of times that I tried, it backfired so awfully in my face that I went back to what was comfortable, even though it was bad for the both of us. I don’t think either one of us is a bad person, I do think that we bring out the worst in each other though. But when I left, I was so beaten down and felt so hopeless.
Here I am over a month later. I start a new job tomorrow, and I’m so looking forward to it. It’s an opportunity that will open new doors now, in the future, and offer better financial stability.
There’s something else that has made me think that we don’t give hope enough of a chance too. For the first time in eight years, there’s an actual chance for something with someone that I had an instant connection with all those years ago. It was never a possibility before. And, while things aren’t in the ideal position for everything in this moment… there’s seven months until the move that would allow this all to be possible.
But the late night conversations, the things said and discussed. It feels like maybe there is hope in the world again. Partly because I’m willing to broach the subjects that need to be discussed, and they are discussed like adults. Neither one of us is sugar coating things, we’re just talking about how we feel and possibilities. That’s a new experienced for me.
I know things aren’t perfect, and I know that there is no certainty in anything in life… but maybe I have hope for love at first sight again, and the possibility of soulmates. As far as I know, the rule book never said that things have to happen as soon as someone experiences these things… maybe it’s okay for them to happen after so much time… When both parties feel the same, when the attraction and the pull is still as strong as it was…
IDK. Does any of this even make sense? That fear of being hurt that’s always looming over my head makes it difficult to put this idea into words. I’m sure I haven’t done it justice.
I’m terrified… but for the first time in a long time, I have some growing hope.
“I dwell in possibility”
– Emily Dickinson
W J Elliott