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Here I am.

And how did I get here? This isn’t where I was meant to be. I was supposed to be in a loving marriage enjoying the second half of my wonderful existence on this planet.

But someone else decided that was not going to be my fate.

Oh, he managed to convince me that it was to be my fate. But he faked his love, his care, even his personality, just to simply keep me in his grasp and manipulate me into believing that I was safe, that we were solid and secure and that we were forever. And I believed him. Again and again and again.

There lies my mistake (at first!). One word ~ AGAIN! Such a simple, could be useful, yet possibly just an insignificant little word. But not in this case. It was my downfall. It ultimately became my doom. My betrayal. My misery. My heartbreak.

AGAIN and AGAIN I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we stayed together.

Until in time, AGAIN became my key to freedom. My escape. My way to knowledge and wisdom. No longer my mistake, but my success.

AGAIN he lied, he manipulated, he gaslighted, he controlled, he abused, he ignored, he traumatised. Which AGAIN, broke my heart, created tears, doubts, fears, anxiety, sleeplessness nights and exhausting days ruminating over and over…..

What is happening? Why don’t I understand what’s going on? Why can’t I leave? Why is he acting this way? What do I need to do to stop it? What do I mean to him?

I tried everything I could think of. We tried everything I could think of. Self help books, counsellors, online forums. We spoke and discussed AGAIN and AGAIN, and I had no idea that even during those times that offered me, and us I thought, reflection and hope I was being conned AGAIN with empty promises of working hard to change, so we can get back to where we once were.

But WE were never there, where we once were! I was there, but he wasn’t. I was in a loving, honest, open, thoughtful, equal and mature relationship. He was in a fake relationship. No love ~ sociopaths and narcissists seem incapable of love! No honesty or openness ~ just lies and deceit! And equal? No, that would mean I could do what he did, but that was never okay. Ever! What about mature? Sulking? Hiding? Blaming? No, not mature.

Then, with conscious effort and attention, the AGAIN became my saviour. My way out. I learned and watched and explained how his behaviour wasn’t healthy, positive or productive, and yes, he claimed he understood and wanted to change, but that was a con too. Small enough efforts to keep me trauma bonded to him, that never amounted to lasting change because it was fake.

So another AGAIN, another gaslighting behaviour, another lie, another inequality act, but these AGAIN’s weren’t breaking my heart, these were now keeping me in reality. Each AGAIN was now proof that what I thought was true, is true.

You don’t care. You don’t love me and us. You are a liar. You are toxic.

Proof and more proof, AGAIN and AGAIN, giving me courage and strength until I could safely ask him to leave with no fear that I will want or accept him back this time.

Here I am.

And that’s how I got here. This may not be where I thought I would be, but it’s certainly where I want and need to be right now. Now free of toxic lies, manipulation and control. (Well, not everyday. Sadly things take time and I need to be in contact with him to divorce him. He remains a liar, manipulator and controller which is still traumatic at times.)

So the trauma is still here ~ I still need to work and heal through that ~ but every day the burden of trauma is getting lighter and lighter. Every day I experience a little more freedom to have joy in my life again. I smile more and cry a lot less.

The betrayal of what I thought my life was is devastating, it was all lies. Each memory is now brought into question. Thankfully I still have my dreams. They were always my dreams ~ he may have mirrored them to charm me and create the bond ~ but they were never his dreams. I still can do all the things I wanted to and I did all the things I wanted to. At least I have that knowledge.

And, I have my wonderful, beautiful children.

Time and distance truly does offer healing.

I am blessed. I survived verbal abuse and control. I am free. Life is great and getting better each day.

Blessings are in abundance.

Verity (Truth) 💜

2 thoughts on “Here I am.”

  1. Don’t worry.. we are with u and the force is with u…
    I know.. it’s hard to say goodbye to someone u once loved…. but its ok as your happy now with your children..
    Best of luck ! 💜

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