Christmas has come and gone, and I am good with how it rolled out. I missed my family get-togethers of my youth, and sometimes it got a little crazy up in here. What with my children Sunshine and Charlie Brown, both adults now, and ever so different. CB’s girlfriend was here, her daughter, and CB’s child from a previous relationship JH. Along with all the people there were three dogs, and a cat. There was a wild rumpus at least once a day, and sometimes every hour. There were times of pure joy, and times of frustration. Time has taught me to just roll with it, and so I did. I just remained calm and smiled. I guess I looked like the Cheshire cat, all smiles and such. I always think if I can just be the calming force in the room, I can drag the chaos down a notch. Sometimes that works, and sometimes not. If nothing else, I just remain silent, and let peace take over. Lord help me, that is hard sometimes.
What I really want to do sometimes is scream like a petulant child “SHUT UP!!!!!!!” Well, not often but still. Sunshine left today, and I suppose she is happy to be home where peace and calm prevails. I have never lived in a house where peace and calm prevail. I suppose I should try that one day. Right now, I just live in a constant state of waiting on the other shoe to fall. Should I ever live in peace, I’m sure I would need to adjust. RJ my husband of thirty some odd years is a great source of anxiety for my children, and is just a ball of anxiety himself. I need to add xanax to the cake I bake for the family. I have never tried marijuana, but if it were legal, I would dose my family up. They ALL need to just relax some, and let it be. RJ likes things perfect, and well we all know that is a lofty idea. Nothing is perfect, just moments in time. Sometimes you can be in a moment and realize “This moment is a keeper,” and then feel the need to drink it in for a later moment in time. So many wonderful moments in the past two weeks. I will bank those for a day when I need them.
RJ’s parents are fighting, and over the dumbest thing ever. At 75, and 70 you would think they would be all chill. Not hardly. They have huge arguments, that sometimes get physical. She is super jealous, and has stopped him from leaving the house. I can not even fathom what goes on within the walls of their perfect little home. If you were to visit, there would be no hint of controversy, or of the battles that rage on every night. She is apparently mentally ill, and he in an effort to assuage her just gives in. I have known them from the time I was 19, and well I am 54. She has always been a little crazy, but this takes the cake. Meanwhile, she stutter-stepped herself right into our home on Christmas day as if he did not even exist. She did announce they were “having trouble,” but did not wish to discuss the details. I made it perfectly clear that none of us wanted or needed “the details.” I already know them. This, of course, left RJ devastated that his own father could not attend our dinner. No wonder he is so anxiety filled.
When things spiral out of control in people’s lives it affects so many people. RJ received a call from his father the next day with a full explanation, but of course, that did not help. He feels bad for his dad but is fearful of making things worse by saying anything to his mom. His dad said he would not return to our home, and he will not see him again unless he goes out of his way to visit him at home. Oddly enough RJ does not want to do that. The dynamics of this relationship the three of them have is strange to me. At no time would anyone ever convince me that I could not attend one of my children’s home dinners. Nor would they stop me from visiting my grandchildren/great-grandchildren. I see some regret heading RJ’s way. I can’t change it, as he is not willing to get involved in their hot mess, for fear of being burned himself. I remember being the child of fighting parents and feeling as if perhaps I made things worse. Bless him, and them.
Having lost both of my parents now, I can only imagine what will happen when RJ loses his dad. So many regrets I am sure. Sadness over what is lost, and can never be recovered, no matter how hard one tries. I lost a friend the other day, and I am sad that we had not spoken in some time. We had some wonderful memories, and I suppose that will carry me through. There are always words left unsaid, no matter what.
I received a new camera for Christmas. I am so thrilled to have it. I just wish I had more time to use it. I have been taking lots of pics of my grands AE whos is 11 months, and JH who is 4. I took some adorable Christmas pics. I must remember to print some of them. Digital has spoiled me, and I hardly ever print. I know. I will come to regret that at some point in time. Right now, I am just happy to have the pics, even if they are just on my MacBook, and on social media. Memories are a funny thing. I just want to leave them with happy memories of their childhood. I have learned that children remember what they choose to remember and forget so much of the other stuff that happens. Pictures concrete things for us. I took some pics of the supermoon tonight. Oh, my! The pic I added to this post is from my new camera. :D.
Whelp, I think I shall retire. I hope your holidays were calmer than mine. Prayers for you for the coming year. I pray 2018 is good to us. Be well.
peace :O shemelts