I do not believe in the act of giving up. I like to hold onto things as long as I can, and this includes human relationships. Even if the relationships are toxic, and draining. People mean something to me, each and every person that I know. When I was a kid, I found out that even though I considered my best friend, my best friend. She did not consider me the same. It tore me up inside. My mother told me that I should just be lucky to have people in my life no matter what. I decided to not take this advice to heart.
Anyway… as I get older, I find myself giving up a lot more easily. I still hold on, but my hands are too tired from gripping. My heart is to tired from breaking. I am discovering who I am important too, and essentially, who I am not.
I have this one friend. We don’t talk often. I’m busy, and sometimes it slips my mind to try and reach out. But when we get together it’s like a year of silence doesn’t exist. She always welcomes be back with open arms, and oddly enough, is pretty solid in a crisis. When I left my ex girlfriend, she picked me up and was there every second of every day. She took me out, bought me drinks, and danced with me until I forgot what being lonely was. When I wanted to scream, she just sat there and watched. I won’t say we always got along, but in those months where I was reeling, she was a surprising source of solidity. Even now, as I reel again.
I remember we were sitting in her car, going to some place that was hours away. She asked me one question, if I was still with Jc. She sounded so nervous and when I told her I was she was honest, but not mean. She told me it was my choice, to be careful, and that she would be nice if she had to be when we were all together. She was grudgingly accepting of my situation and left it at that.
I finally asked her if I could still stay with her, and she told me I could. She seemed happy even and has been asking me for awhile. She is someone who I probably never really appreciated fully until things get hard, and she is the only one left there. Seriously, we’ve been friends for 12 years now. I met her when I was 13. She was my first real friend in the area and when everyone wanted to beat me up in 8th grade, she was the only one who hung around and told me to just ignore it. She sat next to me in choir, and when I would do math homework from college, she would hang out with me while we watched morning talk shows and ate cold ravioli.
There were some fights. We fought once in 9th grade because… I don’t remember. But we were taking a dance class at the end of the year together and ended up creating a sharp divide. I remember we were really nasty. It got to the point where we could barely look at each other. Until I ran into her at the library, and sent her a message saying, “bubbles, i am sorry,” and she immediately came over and hugged me. It was a hesitant hug, but she did it anyway and told me, it was okay.
We ended up finishing that dance class together, with a presentation. We did swing dancing, I remember that I was the lead.
We fought after we came back from a long trip together. I just snapped and we stopped talking. Eventually we started talking again and it was like it never happened. That’s what I like about it, we have had conflict, but when we are done, we just move on. Things change. She stopped teasing me about my hair, I don’t make fun of her height.
I know I am important to her, and she to me as well.
But, that is just one person. There are other friends, we lose contact. We don’t have anything in common. The past isn’t enough of an anchor to keep me aboard anymore. I used to do this all the time, write a long and dramatic post lamenting my time with someone and how “it is coming to an end,” and it was melodramatic and annoying.
Until now, when my time with someone is coming to an end. Sometimes I’m too tired of trying and putting in an effort. Maybe, I want to be important to someone. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. If someone can’t make time for me, or doesn’t really…think about me in any way or context, why would I bother sticking around in their life? I have such little energy. Especially for things like this. It makes me sad because this is happening with someone who was once my best friend. I am just starting to realize I was never theirs. It was either we were viciously fighting, or now it’s snide comments from them on my life… Or pity. I just.. I am done.
That is all.