Well here we go again. She is going to NC and of course I can’t go. She is taking her sister and the kids. She says I went last time but I did not. Again it was her sister who went and maybe her boyfriend. Dammit that house is halof mine and I never get to go there. Now she says she is going to sell the house. Says it is no longer an escape for her. Says she always feels guilty for leaving someone behind. Can we say guilt trip here? Of course I told her not to sell it. But she says she can do with it what she pleases.

Damn I am stressed out today. This does not help at all. I slept like shit again and woke with a monstrous headache. 3 Aleves later the headache is gone and I am wound up on a tightrope. Fucking depression is back too. Tears of course. Always tears. I hate this frigging life. Why couldn’t they have let me die? I need to die. I have no reason left to live.

No. That’s not true. I have my grands. And my parents and my kids. Lots of reasons to live and only one reason to die.

My stomach is in knots.

I hate this fucking life. I fucking bloody well hate it.

I need a fucking drink. Or three.

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