Dear Dad

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Just like I love mom, I love you. There are no words in this world that I can use to describe my love for you two. The night that I found you, I had so much hope that I still had a chance to save you. I had so much hope. I remember when I got there I felt as if my soul had left my body, I felt as if I had no air to breathe. As soon as I got there, I knew there would be a possibility that you were gone and it instantly killed me. When they didn’t let me get close, this despair attacked me. I felt something that I had never felt in my entire life. I felt like someone took the air out of me, I felt as if someone punched a hole through my chest. The pain is indescribable, it is excruciating. I don’t understand why you were murdered. I don’t understand who would want to take your life away from you. Since that day, I have never been the same, and I will never be the same. I once had hope in a better life. A life where I could make you and mom proud. A life where I could get married and have kids so that you and mom could enjoy them. Now everything is different. I am trying to move forward but how can I move forward when your killer or killers are still out there. I think of you every single day. I miss you. I love you. It kills me and it torments me every single day to know that you were murdered. To know that they hurt you and took everything away from you. You had this faith in God, you believed that the day you’d die, you’d go to heaven. I try to tell myself that you are OK. I try to tell myself that you are in a much better place than earth itself. Some days I panic, some days I cry, some days I want to kill whoever did this to you but I wont do it. I owe it to you to do something much better with my life, and I owe it to mom too. Lately I’ve been spiraling and I truly don’t mean to but how else should I be? My heart is broken. I thought I knew what a broken heart was but clearly I didn’t know. I would usually thank God for you and mom and everyone and everything. But somehow I feel as if I wasn’t grateful enough and that is why I lost you. Everyday I fight a new demon. Everyday I find a different way to blame myself. Everyday it’s a new and different kind of guilt. I don’t understand.. and I am not sure that I will ever understand. Every day is a different kind of hell for me. I wish I could make mom happy. I wish I wasn’t angry or bitter but I am. I am worried that I will not be able to dig myself out of this hole. I know that you would never want me to be a coward but maybe I am a coward. Maybe I miss you too much and maybe I just can’t live with so much pain. I feel empty, useless, sometimes numb. Drinking is my new habit so that I can forget that you are gone, so that I can forget that the pain is there in my chest everywhere that I go. I am so afraid that I will forget you. I am so afraid to find happiness because I will only feel guilty. God I wish I could have been there to protect you and defend you dad. I would have given my life for you if it came down to that. Wherever you are, I hope that you are OK. I hope that you didn’t disappear to a world that I wont make it to. I wish I could tell you that you are the best dad I could have ever asked for. I wish that I could tell you that I love you and I miss you dearly. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I’m afraid that I wont find my way through life the way I am supposed to. I feel so alone. In a way I feel like I am dead too. I put on this fake smile and this fake show but in all reality I have never been this lost Dad. I just hope that when my day comes you’ll be the first to grab me into your world. I hope that God forgives me for all I have done in this cruel world. I know how much you believed. I know how important it was to you. I know you wanted me to be good with God but at the moment I can’t even be good to myself. Sometimes I find myself in denial. Other times I find myself accepting that you’re gone and I lose it. I don’t want to forget you, it’s my worst fear. That’s why I hold on to the pain, so that I never forget you and who you are and what you did for me and everyone. I still can’t seem to believe that you’re gone. My mind can’t truly handle or accept it. I’m so sorry that they hurt you dad. Your family. Your enemies. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t more loving and supporting. I should have visited more often, I should have put my pride aside all those times that we argued. Just know dad that I will always love you. Just know that I’m holding on for mom and for you, because I need to make it to where you are. Please come to me… somehow. In a dream, but somehow… I need to know that you are OK.

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