Being sober…

So today is like my 31st day being sober from everything. Alcohol and marijuana.

I used to smoke all the time when the pandemic first started, and it was too much. I ended up quitting, just to lower my tolerance and recently started smoking again. I discovered that I was not good at smoking anymore, and my tolerance was actually too low. So, I stopped smoking altogether. I don’t know if I was ever addicted, but I do know that I smoked way too much. It was pretty easy to quit, and honestly I haven’t missed it or anything.

But, alcohol is really the hardest thing to quit. I’ve been drinking off and on since 2015. I started in college. Then I moved to another town about an hour away from where my family lives, and my friends. I started drinking a lot then too. They had beer in the fridge at work and encouraged us to help ourselves, we also worked next to a pharmacy that sold tall boys of beer. I would sneak them in, and drink them once everyone was gone. I usually just walked home (didn’t have a license yet) or I would stay late in the office til my dad could pick me up and I wouldn’t tell him how much I had been drinking. Then I started coming back to town to hang out with my friends, and we would go out on the weekeds and I would drink heavily. I would drink too much, and constantly end up getting sick and drink some more.

Then I met my current boyfriend (or re-met him), and I started drinking when I was around him. I would constantly grab a soda cup and fill it with wine and bring it with me on the way too his place. He didn’t even question it, yet. Then I moved into my own place for a new job I got, and started drinking at work again. I would sneak in wine in a tall cup I had, and just spend all day drinking. I would drink before work events and meetings as well. It sucked but that’s what it had turned into. Then my relationship with my boyfriend started going downhill, so I started drinking more. Then, I ended up leaving everything and moving in with my grandmother and father. I stopped drinking for awhile actually. I was doing good. I didn’t have more than a glass of wine here and there.

Then I started drinking more again. I even drank at work once. A new job this time. I then started to go to AA meetings and trying to be sober. I liked being sober, and it felt right. Unfortunately I fell off the wagon and started too drink again.

Soon it turned into drinking all the time because I was bored. It escelatad into one day me asking my dad for money, and using it to get alcohol. I was so desperate for numbness, and I felt like I needed the alcohol. The next day I decided too become sober for real. I have been sober for around a month and one day. I quit drinking and I haven’t been to AA yet because I’ve been trying to figure out my schedule for the past month but everything is constantly changing. But, I have stuck to being sober. Even when I feel like I have no choice but to drink,

It’s not much progress. But, it’s something. I have decided to stay sober because drinking isn’t good for me. Smoking may be okay, but I decided if I am going to be sober I should do it all the way. I have nothing against smoking or drinking, at all. But, I have decided that it’s not for me.

Being sober is hard. Some days, like today I just want to drink. I get bored easily and drinking helps pass the time. Instead I have to find other ways to fill my time, like writing and watching tv. Reading, hanging out with friends. Anything really, that will make it so I am not thinking about drinking. It can be hard. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up and cry.

Anyway, that is all for now. Today is my 31st day sober.

Thanks for reading.