She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night it’s gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cryShe wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy

She’s so far gone she feels just like a fool

Years ago, I was an active member of I went by the name of Lyneyes. While on I bonded with many people and found it very satisfying since it has proven hard for me to make friends easily in real life. I chose the name in reference to the Eagles song Lyin’eyes. The lyrics just struck a chord inside me. It became my username on many websites for years. My alias.

Now I find myself ruminating about past memories. Albeit, the isolation from Covid-19 has not helped my current situation. Studies they have done on prisoners in jail come to my mind. Prisoners who have no mental illness, but are forced to remain in isolation for any length of time, soon become mentally unstable. Human beings are creatures that need socialization. We need to feel wanted and ultimately feel we have a purpose. 

So I believe that would be a good place for me to start. Delving into my childhood memories. The lack of love and nurturing from my own mother and the cycle of domestic violence. How it has had an impact on my life and my children’s. Realizing that a lot of choices I made in life we’re always between the worst of the two evils. In fact, I’m not sure they could be labeled as choices. 

As the final note, I just want to say this blog is also for my autistic daughter and son. My memoirs which I intend to print out and put in a binder. So they have an understanding of what my life has entailed. They learn through the hard lessons I encountered. My hope is that they know it is okay to fall at times. To hit rock bottom. Remembering, to always get back up and try again. 

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