An innocent kind hearted child, who loved people, spread joy and happiness. A teenager who experienced bullying, isolation, betrayal and depression. A twenty year old with a somewhat balanced and high leveled mind who hates crowded places, loud noices, finds peace in solitude and wears a mask of different personas outside the confort of home and who has a passion for music this is the present me.
I tell people I am not kind, their reply is always an expected one,"silence", "don't say that, you're really kind, I know you". Although, some may say that telling this to people is my way of confirming an already know fact or a way to boost my ego. The truth is simple actually, it's neither I am just telling them and my self in a way that I am not a kind person. Why? In order to let go of some of the kindness that resides within me every time I say that.
I was shaped into the person I am today through encounters and experiences. I understood with time that I have weakness, a bad side and a sharp tongue. I don't regret becoming who I am today, I accept the fact that I may be unreasonable and crazy sometimes, I may lose control of my emotions and my replies come sometimes uncalculated. Why am I writing this? I don't know I kind of felt like it. Is anyone going to read it or comment on it? Maybe,why not?
I just had a fight with my family. I don't hate them nor will I ever do, they are all that I've got. I don't have friends, I have classmates and acquaintances, with whom I pretend to be close with, chat and hang out. They keep on encreasing and changing with time like Lego pieces. I don't mind that though. Is this because I am unable to form deep connections with people? Or mabye because I became uninterested in others? Was it because I was hurt by others, or because I am not qualified enough for deep meaningful relationships? I don't know and I don't think I will ever truly understand the reason behind that.
Sometimes, I imagine myself in a different reality, another future, another world even. Do people hold the key to their future, or are they guided by their environment? Could I have kept my innocence and kindness despite the circumstances? Was I shaped because I was weak? Or was this adaptive behavior a sign of growth?
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