She should have left. She should have said the hell with him, and put him in her ‘asshole” file. She shouldn’t have cared. She shouldn’t have been so insecure. She shouldn’t have thought she was so smart. She shouldn’t have been so gullible. She should have known better.
Every day she logged on, and she snooped. She kept telling herself it was because she cared, but it was more than that. She felt jilted. She felt used. She felt betrayed. She hadn’t even begun to even scratch the surface yet.
She went to his blog, and noticing other contacts there, went from his blog, to their blog, back to his blog, back to answers, back to the blogs…over and over again. She was convinced he was there…hiding. She noticed familiar things on all these blogs. Items, from backgrounds to certain contacts, and likes and dislikes. She was puzzled. She was bound and determined to find out…if he was more than one. After all, what are the odds of everyone (male contacts only) having the EXACT same cover of PINK FLOYD as their backdrop??? So, she searched, and she watched.
She KNEW exactly, to the minute, when he came back. She felt the shiver all the way to her soul. In fact, she was so sure of his presence, that she jumped up out of her seat, and ran to the front door, thinking he was walking up her driveway. He wasn’t. But she was so attuned to him.
She looked for him to come back on answers. She looked for an email. She waited for his messenger to pop up….nothing. She went to his blog, she went to his nieces blog, she went looking for him anywhere. She just wanted to know he was ok. She would have been happy just to see him put a happy face on his niece, or his sisters blog.
She went back to answers, resigned he wasn’t coming back, at least not for her. She started getting all these friend requests, and messenger requests, and new people answering her questions. Life went on, but every day she still looked and looked, before going to the answers site.
One day she noticed this one guy’s answers were all gloomy. She tried to be consoling and uplifting when she answered his questions. She doesn’t remember how she connected with Phil. Whether it was her reaching out, or him. Doesn’t really matter now. They started messaging each other, and he was sooooooo diferent. But not. There were little nuances she picked up on; things she read in the way he wrote. Just subtle comments, that set off bells in her head. At first she thought that she was just reading things wrong, then she began to read between the lines. At the same time questions began to pop up, referring almost magically in line with her thoughts…It was weird. Was it Michael playing games? She tried to trip him up, throwing references to their past conversations in hopes to get some kind of feedback. When she went to work she’d dream up these totally outrageous questions and write them down to post in the morning. She use a dictionary so she’d know the words she wanted to use were in the right context.
One day out of the blue, in her conversation with Phil, he began to type really off the wall stuff. He was talking about angels, and fighting, and she thought, perhaps it was about a video game. Then he kept saying his cousin Micheal was the one fighting, and he wouldn’t leave him alone. Then he said something in reference to the Archangel Michael. She went to work so confused.
She had finished her work, and was was thinking about Phil. What he had said kept running through her head. It was so ominous, and scary. She got down the dictionary to compose her questions for the morning. She thought of Michael’s username “polorized2U”, and his messenger name “memindless” and the fact (real or unreal), that Phil’s ‘cousin’ was Michael..only spelled Micheal. So she looked up polorized ” restrict the vibrations of (a transverse wave, especially light) wholly or partially to one direction.” wholly or partially…those words caught her eye. While she was reading that she noticed the word above…Bi-polar. She was stunned, and tears filled her eyes. Now she was on a quest. She needed to know what the reference to Michael the Archangel was. So she stopped into the church on the way home, and spoke to the priest. He told her to leave him alone (Phil). He didn’t say why, or anything remotely worthy, but seem very agitated when she asked about the Archangel. It was, and still is very complex, and puzzling to her.
When she got home, she wrote down all that she knew, and could remember. She was so confused. About her feelings. About what was going through her mind. About what if anything, she could do or, if she should just back off. She booted up her computer, and waited.
As soon as she was up, there was a message from Phil. The little circle in the corner, said he was still signed on, so she said “hi”. They chatted for awhile, and she began to think that maybe she was wrong. He sounded “normal” to her. They talked for awhile, and answered questions and then she went to sleep. That night she had her first bad dream. A repetitive dream, that progressively got worse. She was in the middle of the forest, or what seemed like the forest. Tall trees, blocking out the sky, stood in a circle around her. She in the middle, sitting…standing…following the shadows with her eyes, as they streamed in and out of the trees. There was no sounds, just the shadows. Then the shadows had arms, and they were reaching for her…beseeching her…beckoning…and she’d talk in her sleep, and cry out in her sleep, and awake shaking with tears on her face, and on her pillow. She had a horrendous all the next day, and all she could think about was Michael.
When she got home from work the next morning she felt better, and so she booted up the computer and logged on. No messages awaited her, so she went to answers, and her blog, and posted away. She was thinking how nice it was, to not talk to Phil when he popped up. She decided that she’d had enough, and now she was going to try and let him, and his crazy wackiness go. Then he started that crazy talk, and she couldn’t seem to type as fast as him, to get in a single comprehensive sentence in. He was getting more and more agitated, and her mind was spinning out of control, and she crossed the line.
“Are you bi-polar?” she typed.
“i could be.” he said after a huge pregnant pause. She waiting in the following silence, then…
“Are YOU my Michael?” she frantically typed…not thinking, not caring, not anything..but to know (or guess) the answer. THE ONLY ANSWER. “YES…I am” The tears rolled down her face, as she read those words, and what they meant to her heart.
The next day when they IM’d, it was like nothing had happened. She tried to apologize, and he said nothing, just kept changing the subject, til all they were talking about was that he had to go somewhere with his family. She was so confused, and finally they said good bye. She went back to answers, and the blogs. She was so distraut that she got some headphones and clicked on a music station. She lost herself in the songs. Soon, she shutdown to go to sleep. All the words, and all her thoughts kept pressing on her, until she got up and sat in the dark. Eventually, she fell asleep on the couch.
The next day was her day off. So grabbing some coffee she headed to the desk, and booted up. There were no IM’s waiting for her, so she went to Michael’s blog. Then again to his sister’s. Then for some reason, she clicked on Gina’s blog and stared straight into the face (icon) of a man named Michael. She stared at him. It was a photograph taken in what looked to be a park, or a park setting. She wondered. She thought, could this really be him. She meant what were the odds, and the funny thing is that she’d been on Gina’s page so often, and she never saw him. She clicked on his face, and it took her to his page, She read the stuff there, and when she went to other tabs, there was the same background of Pink Floyd. With her heart in her throat, she hoovered over the friend request button, and clicked on it. She went back to answers, but just as she was in the middle of composing her question..she stopped, and with fingers racing over the keyboard, and her hand shaking on the mouse, she clicked back into Gina’s page, then Michael’s page and unclicked that damn FR. But she was too late. She went back to answers, and tried to lose herself between there, and the music in her ears. Suddenly, out of no where Gina popped up on her IM. She clicked on, and said “hi”. When no reply came back, she figured maybe Gina had to answer the phone, or something, so she minimized the screen, and continued on answers. Then her computer started to do strange things. It began to flash between screens, and freeze. Then it turned yellow when she tried to type. She rebooted the system, but it was still the same. She realized that she had a virus. She also realized it came from Gina’s open IM, who incidentally, personally knew Michael.
She had stepped, not only over the line, but on some big toes.
(omg..i am crying so much…the next ones won’t be til next week, when i can think again)