A Rant or a Ramble or Whatever

I’m so hungry. Hungry for love. Lost and alone. I need someone to love me like I used to be loved. But never again. I cannot do it agin. My heart is too raw and bleeding.

Damn. I am really down. Been there these past 2 days. Difficult to move. It takes a supreme acto of will to do so. And yet I have it. I have moved. I have funtioned. Nothing to be proud of. There was no other option. Besides this fucking depression shit is old hat to me. Decades of dealing with it, walking though hell, hearing the voices, crying burning tears… yes it is nothing new.

So I am not a hero. I live whatever life has for me. More I survive. I say more because I really haven’t lived in decades. I might as well be dead.

And so we hear from the suicidal ideations. From Dunno. The beast. The voices. From them all. They give me a fucking headache.

And that is another thing I live with. The constant headaches. It’s been weeks since I have not had a monstrous headache. I’ve learned to live on Excedrin Migraine. I take them 4 at a time, every hour, until the headache is gone or I fall asleep. Either one provides relief. Yet my stomach hates me for it.

That brings up the next sore point. I can’t remember when I’ve had more than 4 hours sleep a night. Last night was three and a half. I am like a zombie on wheels. I function but God only knows how. I can already tell that tonight I will not fall asleep until past midnight. And I will most likely wake around 4 AM. Then that is all she wrote. I will wake with another headache and gobble some Excedrin then stumble out to the kitchen to make coffee. Go get a smoke, fix my coffe and cry for an hour or two.

Such is my life. I cry almost constantly. I know… depression. Yet I cry also when I am manic. I haven’t had real full blown manic spells in years until recently. They come with the same psychosis from years ago. I dunno what is wrong. My wife is supposed to get me some Lithium but she never came through. She has her own crises to deal with. Alas I am not allowed to be there for her. But please people.. I ask you please to say some prayers for her and her best friend and his family. They sorely need them. Not her boy friend. No. Fuck you Jimmy Orr. If I could I would put a bullet in your head.

And there comes my hatred. I am ashamed of it. I never hate anyone. Yet I hate him. He has taken my wife from me and I will never get over it. May you rot in hell James Orr. You deserve it. Fuck you man.

And here comes the anger. The rage. Gotta get it under control. Oh I know where to find him but I will not lower myself to his level. Besides she loves him and so I cannot hurt him.

Enough already. I dig my own grave. I am sorry.

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