1.7 Robert: Coming Down the Stairs

I am sitting at home scanning an email from my son, picking out the questions to answer in my response.  

So, dad, you mentioned a business trip.  Does this mean you might not be there much when I am there?  Is Lisa staying at the house now? 

Your blog is a good start.  I would like to see some more pictures of Julie:  happy, living, not in a hospital bed only, and some nice pictures of her flowers.  Some pictures of Ashton pouting in the doghouse could go into the blog. 

Dad, I was wondering if there was an ideal scenario in mind for you in regards to my timing and stay? Is Helen checking her email? How was today for you? mikE 

I struggle with a reply trying not to be defensive.  It is clear to me that he is seeing what he wants to see when he reads the blogs. His email sounds like Julie is fine.  No one seems to get it. 

Sam,

Well. I played tennis today and played okay. I was tired from not sleeping well, but that’s okay. I have all sorts of feelings, probably dread, being at the top. I don’t know how well Helen is going to hold up to the chemo, she was in a lot of pain the last time — I don’t think she was able to handle the entire dose. I left because I thought they were done, but they were only the test doses to make sure that she didn’t have an allergic reaction. So figuring out anything else at the moment, like ideal timing for your visit, is more than I can process at the moment. I need to help Helen get started using Lisa’s laptop in the living room when she comes down, if she comes down,. so she can get her own email. I will try to make that happen tomorrow.  She is not processing things well.

Helen has been struggling with telling her father, the only family member that doesn’t know. He is in his mid 80’s and is already feeling lonesome since his wife has Pick’s disease, which is similar to Alzheimer’s. I can’t imagine finding out that his daughter is really ill is going to go well. I sometimes think I am like an empath if that is a word. Or perhaps, just a wimp. I hate seeing Helen in pain, or even having coughing episodes. I think the coughing is doing better, but I am afraid it is from her using  oxygen more, not a benefit from the chemo.

Dad

I look at my email and realize it is a mess.  I don’t have the energy to rewrite it so I send it like it is and then get up to figure out supper.  

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