Thoughts.com

1/14/19

I’m currently in class. On my way here, I thought of every possible thing that could go wrong. Why am I like this? Why am I so negative? I don’t even know.. All I know is that I have to change. Where will I end up if I don’t at least try to change? I’m like that in every situation. Instead of giving it my best shot or having the best attitude towards everything I just shut myself down. I get into this negative mood and I hurt myself mentally and emotionally. I am my own abusive and toxic person. I am the one that fills my mind with all of this anxiety and worry. I paint this ugly image of myself that only makes me hate myself more each day. I want to love myself. I want to appreciate and take care of myself.. but I can’t. I have to find a way out but how? How do I kill that dark side of me that wont let me shine the way I should? I think work, school, and just life in general would be so much better if I could just find myself and fix myself. What broke me to begin with? What happened that at such a young age I learned to hate myself and feel so depressed to the point where I had to force myself to eat. I can vividly remember the day I was at least 8 years old and I told my mom that I felt like I wanted to die. She was confused and scared. I was too. I never knew it was depression, but I was so afraid. I didn’t know what was happening to me but I remember the emptiness that I felt. I remember being so anxious and lost that I didn’t know how to find the words to tell anyone. Who would believe a child saying these words? What would they have said to me and what would have happened if I said something..